Is divorce a bad thing? How to go through divorce gracefully? Is it okay to remarry after divorce? What is the effect of remarriage on a child? Sadhguru answers all these questions and more in this interesting article covering all facets of divorce.
離婚是一件糟糕的事情嗎？如何妥善地處理離婚？離婚之后可以再結(jié)婚嗎？再婚對孩子有什么影響？這篇趣文涵蓋了離婚的所有方面，其中薩古魯回答了所有相關(guān)問題，還談到更多。
Reasons for Divorce
離婚的理由
Questioner 1: When marriage becomes an exhausting battle, isn’t it better to get divorced?
提問者一：當(dāng)婚姻變成一場令人精疲力盡的沖突，離婚難道不是更好嗎？
Sadhguru: If we could live without battling the other person, then the question of divorce would not arise. You are not battling someone on the street; you are battling someone whom you thought was the most wonderful person at one time. This battle is not because that person has suddenly become ugly. This battle has come because as we grow, certain changes happen and we are unwilling to accept that. Two people grow in different directions and it is okay. We do not have to be the same way to be together. It is not necessary that two people should like the same things, do the same things, or feel the same way. People can be divergently different and still be together. There is a certain immaturity about thinking that someone must be just like you to be with you. No two individuals are exactly the same way anywhere in the world. There will be some difference in some aspect of life between two individuals.
Sadhguru（薩古魯）：如果我們在生活中可以不跟另外一個人發(fā)生沖突，那么就不會出現(xiàn)離婚的問題。你不是跟一個街上的陌生人發(fā)生沖突，你是跟一個你曾經(jīng)以為是世界上最好的人發(fā)生沖突。沖突的發(fā)生并不是因為那個人突然變得丑惡。沖突之所以發(fā)生，是因為我們在成長中發(fā)生了某些改變，而我們又不愿意接受這個事實。兩個人朝著不同的方向發(fā)展，這是沒問題的。我們不需要一模一樣才能在一起。兩個人沒必要非得喜歡同樣的事情，做同樣的事情，或是有相同的感受。完全不同的人仍然可以在一起。認為一個人必須要跟你一樣才能和你相處，這種想法是不太成熟的。世界上哪兒都沒有完全一樣的兩個人。兩個人在生活中的某些方面總會有些不同。
Forget about the man on the street, do you not have many layers of resistance even for the closest person in your life?
不用去想大街上的陌生人，就想想你生活中最最親密的人，你對他沒有許多的抵觸嗎？
Robert Owen, an American author said, “Everyone in the world is queer except you and me, but you also seem to be a little queer.” Please look at your mind and see. If you go by your intellect, no one in the world is okay. Just closely examine the person dearest to you in your life and see how many layers of resistance you have towards that person. Forget about the man on the street, do you not have many layers of resistance even for the closest person in your life? So that means no one in the world is okay for you. If no one is okay, it is not a question of okay or not okay, it is just that you are becoming psychologically ill. One of the first signs of psychological illness is that you start thinking no one is okay. It looks like you have already taken the first step! If you advance on that further, it will come into bigger problems.
美國作家Robert Owen說過: “這世界上除了你跟我，所有的人都很古怪，不過你似乎也有一點古怪。” 請檢查一下你的想法（看看是不是如此）。以你自己的理解力來看，這世界上沒有一個人能讓你滿意。就拿你生命當(dāng)中最親近的人來說，仔細地檢查一下，你對他有多少抵觸。不用去想大街上的陌生人，就想想你生活中最最親密的人，你對他沒有許多的抵觸嗎？所以，這意味著這個世界上沒有一個人能讓你接受。如果沒有一個人是你能接受的，這就不是一個好或者不好的問題，這意味著你心理上開始生病了。心理疾病的一個初兆就是你開始認為沒有人是可以接受的。這樣看來，你好像已經(jīng)在精神失常的路上邁出了第一步！如果繼續(xù)這樣下去，將會變成更大的問題。
There is no hassle about two different people having two different ways of understanding and doing things. It is the underlying emotion which keeps people together. After all, you came together searching for each other's wellbeing. Let us understand this. Whatever is passing off as love right now is generally just a mutual benefit scheme. You have some needs, the other person has some needs and people come together to fulfill these needs. The needs may be various – physical, psychological, emotional, social or financial. The moment your need is not being fulfilled properly, it is finished. That is the way you are going. There is nothing else in the relationship. You want to get the best out of the other person and the other person wants to squeeze the best out of you. This is a battle, not a love relationship.
兩個不同的人有兩種不同的看待問題和做事情的方式，這本身沒有問題。是深層的情感把人們綁定在一起。不管怎么說，你們走到一起是為了追求彼此的幸福。我們來了解一下這個事情。不管現(xiàn)在人們所說的“愛”到底是什么，它總體上來講只是一個互惠的安排。你有一些需求，另外一個人有一些需求，然后大家走到一起互相滿足這些需求。這些需求可能各種各樣，有身體上的、精神上的、情感上的、社交上的，或金錢上的。從你的需求不再被適當(dāng)滿足的那一刻起，這個關(guān)系就崩塌了。這就是事情發(fā)展的路徑。你們的關(guān)系中沒有其他的東西。你想要從對方那里得到最多好處，對方也想要從你那里得到最多。這是一場戰(zhàn)斗，不是愛的關(guān)系。
Love Is About You
愛是關(guān)乎你自己
What you call as love is not about someone, it is about you, how you are within yourself. If your body becomes pleasant, we call this health and pleasure. If your mind becomes pleasant, we call this happiness and joy. If your emotions become very pleasant, we call this love. If your energies become very pleasant, we call this blissfulness. These are certain ways to be within yourself. It has got nothing to do with anyone, but you are linking it with someone. If someone has to make your mind, emotion and body pleasant, this is not going to happen for a long time. No human being can keep that up forever. Maybe when they just met you, for three days, they will do everything to keep your mind, emotion and body pleasant, but no one can sustain that. It is just not possible for any human being.
你所謂的“愛”不是關(guān)乎某個人，而是關(guān)乎你自己——你的內(nèi)在是怎樣的狀態(tài)。如果你的身體變得愉悅，我們說這是健康和歡愉；如果你的頭腦變得愉悅，那我們說這是幸福和喜樂；如果你的情感變得非常愉悅，我們說這是愛；如果你的能量變得很愉悅，我們說這是極樂。這些是你內(nèi)在的某些狀態(tài)。跟其他人沒有任何關(guān)系，但是你卻要把它跟別人關(guān)聯(lián)在一起。如果你要別人去愉悅你的頭腦、情感、身體，長此以往是不可能的。沒有任何一個人可以持續(xù)滿足你的這些要求。也許在剛遇到你的頭三天，他們會做任何事，讓你的頭腦、情感和身體愉悅，但是沒有人可以持續(xù)這樣做下去。這對于任何人來說都是不可能做到的。
So you must learn how to keep your mind, emotion and body pleasant. If your emotions are in a pleasant way, you are loving by yourself and whatever the differences, everything is okay. When that is absent, every small difference is a big problem. People can be in close proximity only when there is a certain pleasantness about you.
所以，你必須學(xué)會如何自己保持頭腦、情感和身體的愉悅。如果你的情感在一個愉悅的狀態(tài)，你本身就充滿愛，不管有什么分歧，都沒問題。如果你不在這個狀態(tài)，任何一點小分歧都會變成大問題。只有當(dāng)你自己有某種程度的愉悅的時候，人們才能跟你接近。
What Is Divorce?
什么是離婚？
Questioner 2: I am already going through a divorce and it feels like a part of me is dying. How can I get through this gracefully?
提問者二：我現(xiàn)在正在辦理離婚，感覺好像有一部分自己在死去。我要怎樣才可以安然地渡過這個難關(guān)呢？
Sadhguru: What you call as “myself” right now is a huge volume of memory. Your body is the way it is simply because of the genetic memory that it carries. You have your mother’s nose and your father’s complexion simply because what you call as your body is a complex amalgamation of memory. A very ancient memory lives in your body. What you call as “my mind” right now is one hundred percent memory. You are a huge heap of memory in many ways, and memory goes into you in different ways. You gather memory through what you see, hear, smell, taste and touch. Of all these five different ways of gathering memory, what you see and touch are the deepest forms of memory. Especially what you touch creates a certain level of memory in the system.
Sadhguru（薩古魯）：你現(xiàn)在稱之為自己的東西，是由大量的記憶組成的。你的身體之所以長這樣，不過是因為它承載的基因記憶。你的鼻子長得像你母親，你的膚色像你父親，這些不過是因為你稱之為自己身體的東西是一個復(fù)雜的記憶結(jié)合體。一個非常古老的記憶活在你的身體里。你稱之為“我的頭腦”的東西是百分之百的記憶。從很多方面來說，你就是一堆記憶。這些記憶通過不同的方式進入到你體內(nèi)。你通過看、聽、嗅、品嘗、觸摸這些方式來收集記憶。在這五種不同的收集記憶的方式中，你看到的和你觸摸到的是最深層次的記憶。特別是你觸摸到的，會在你的系統(tǒng)里生成一定深度的記憶。
Divorce is a voluntary death. You have decided to kill something that is in some way a part of you.
離婚是自愿死亡。你決定去殺死，從某種意義上來說你自己的一部分。
A spouse means they have touched you, and there is a certain level of memory. A divorce means that in some way you are trying to rip that memory off and that is not going to be easy for various reasons. But at the same time, the very fact that you are going through a divorce means that you want to be finished with that memory in some way. Maybe you do not want to not erase that memory, but for whatever reason, you have slowly begun to experience someone who was in many ways a part of your life as a baggage that you are unwilling to carry. You want to keep the baggage aside, but you find that the baggage is not something that you voluntarily carry; it is something that compulsively sticks to you. Whatever sticks to you compulsively, if you try to rip it off, there will be pain.
配偶意味著這個人觸摸過你，這會帶來一定層面的記憶。離婚意味著從某種方式上，你試圖把那些記憶剝離。因為各種原因，這可不容易。然而，你正在辦離婚，意味著你想要以某種方式跟這個記憶割離。也許，你并不是想抹去那段記憶，但是出于某種原因，你慢慢地開始感覺，這個在很多方面是你生命一部分的人，變成了你不再愿意背負的擔(dān)子。你想把這個負擔(dān)放在一邊，但是你發(fā)現(xiàn)，這個你不愿意再背負的擔(dān)子變成了非要黏在你身上不可的東西。不管是什么東西非要黏在你身上不可，如果你試圖把它揭下來，那是一定會痛的。
The memory about your spouse has built up, you cannot get rid of it just like that. Even if you are in a balanced state emotionally, psychologically, that you can deal with it, you will still see that the whole system will invariably go through a certain level of suffering. Particularly, when death happens, you will see that the memory of your spouse works in every cell in your body, if you have lived long enough together. It is not just an emotional and psychological process, it is a very physical process.
關(guān)于配偶的記憶已經(jīng)積聚起來了，你沒辦法輕易把它丟掉。即使你情感上和精神上處在一個平衡的狀態(tài)，可以應(yīng)對離婚這件事，你仍會發(fā)現(xiàn)整個人注定遭受一定程度的痛苦。特別是當(dāng)死亡來臨的時候，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)關(guān)于配偶的記憶作用在你身體的每個細胞里，如果你們曾經(jīng)在一起生活過足夠長時間的話。這不僅僅是一個情感和精神上的過程，在肉體上也是非常明顯的過程。
Divorce is a voluntary death. You have decided to kill something that is in some way a part of you. It is for this reason, with this understanding of the existence and the way the system functions, that they always told you, “Till death do you part, you will not part,” because there is a physical memory about this, and the body does not have the balance of the mind. The mind can decide and turn around, but the body cannot turn around. The more memory you build into it, the more confused it becomes.
離婚是自愿死亡。你決定去殺死，從某種意義上來說你自己的一部分。正是因為這個原因，基于對存在以及對人體系統(tǒng)運作的了解，他們才會總是這樣說，“直到死亡將你們分離，你們決不會分離”。因為這個結(jié)合過程中是會產(chǎn)生身體記憶的，而且身體沒有頭腦那樣的平衡。頭腦可以做決定而掉頭，但是身體不會掉頭。你在婚姻中積聚的記憶越多，離婚就會越讓你混亂。
Divorce and Remarriage
離婚和再婚
Most people think the best way to conduct a divorce is to immediately jump into another relationship of the same kind. You will cause much more struggle and turmoil within the system by doing that. It is extremely important the body has enough time to work out the memory, to keep the memory at a certain distance. Otherwise, you will render yourself to a space where to make yourself peaceful and joyful will become an extremely hard thing to do in your life.
大多數(shù)人認為，應(yīng)對離婚最好的辦法，就是立刻投入到另外一段婚姻關(guān)系當(dāng)中。你如果這么做，就會在你的系統(tǒng)里面造成更多的掙扎和混亂。讓身體有足夠的時間去處理那些記憶，讓它們保持一定的距離，這是非常重要的。否則，你會把自己帶入到一個很難再享有平靜和喜樂的境地。
When Divorce Becomes Unavoidable
當(dāng)離婚變成不可避免
If divorce could be avoided, that would be best but for some reason, you have come to that situation where you have chosen to divorce, you need to understand that divorce essentially means you have chosen to kill something which is a part of you.
如果可以避免離婚，那是最好的。但是如果你已經(jīng)到了不得不離婚的時候，你需要明白，離婚從根本上來說意味著，你已經(jīng)決定去殺死你自己的一部分。
Our interdependence is only according to our external requirements, but our inner existence is complete by itself.
我們的相互依賴不過是根據(jù)外在條件來的，我們的內(nèi)在本身就是完整的。
Two people who have shared their emotion, their body, their sensations and their living spaces, ripping it apart is almost like tearing yourself apart because two memories have merged in many ways. Even though you might have begun to almost come to a place where you cannot stand the person anymore, it still hurts, simply because you are trying to rip out a memory, which is you – because you are existing as a bundle of memory.
兩個彼此分享過情感、身體、感覺還有生活空間的人，把他們分開就好像是把你自己撕裂，因為兩個記憶體在很多方面都已經(jīng)融合。即使你可能已經(jīng)到了不能忍受那個人的程度，這個分離過程還是會讓你傷痛，因為你是在企圖去剝離一段記憶，而這記憶就是你——因為你是以一堆記憶的形式而存在著。
You are only divorcing your spouse, you need not divorce yourself. But you need to understand that you have already divorced yourself. Your existence has been nurtured by making a bond, a partnership or bondage – depending upon how you have conducted this – to make yourself feel whole in some way. Most partnerships of this nature are made because you would feel insufficient and incomplete by yourself. But that is not how life is. You are a complete life process by itself. It does not need any assistance from outside.
你只是跟你的配偶離婚，你不需要跟自己分離。但是，你需要明白，你已經(jīng)跟自己分離了。過往，你根據(jù)自己的處理方式，建立了紐帶、關(guān)系，或是捆綁，讓自己的存在得到了滋養(yǎng)，感受到某種程度的圓滿。大多數(shù)這種關(guān)系的建立，是因為獨自一人感覺匱乏和不完整。但那不是生命本來的樣子。你本身就是一個完整的生命，不需要外在的幫助。
If you have come to such a situation of divorce, it is time to turn inward and see. It is time to find the completeness of what this life is. It is time to discover that this being is a complete being and does not need any external assistance to be the way it is. To conduct our life in a society, we are interdependent but the fundamental existence of this being, the balance, space and possibility of what this is, is a complete process by itself. Our interdependence is only according to our external requirements, but our inner existence is complete by itself. If you are divorcing your spouse, that is bad enough, do not divorce yourself from yourself.
如果你已經(jīng)到了需要離婚的境地，是時候轉(zhuǎn)向內(nèi)在觀照。是時候去找尋這個生命的完整性。是時候去發(fā)現(xiàn)這個存有本身是一個完整的存有，不需要任何外在的協(xié)助就是它本有的樣子。在社會中生活，我們相互依賴。但是這個存有的根本存在，本然的平衡、浩瀚以及可能性，本身就是一個完整的過程。我們的相互依賴不過是根據(jù)外在條件來的，我們的內(nèi)在本身就是完整的。如果你跟配偶離婚，這已經(jīng)很糟糕了，請不要跟自己分離。
Effects of Remarriage on a Child
再婚對孩子的影響
Questioner 3: Sadhguru, I am already divorced and have an eight-year-old son. At times, I feel deprived of love and a need to remarry. My son keeps questioning why he doesn’t have a father figure at home. I’m really confused, please help me.
提問者三：薩古魯，我已經(jīng)離婚了，有一個8歲的兒子。有些時候，我感覺自己被剝奪了愛的權(quán)利，想再婚。我兒子也一直問我，為什么家里沒有父親。我很迷茫，請幫助我。
Sadhguru: In today’s world, a child is not an automatic happening after marriage. There was a time when there was no other way. If you got married, children kept coming. But in today’s world, a child is not automatic – it is generally planned. You must understand that once you have a child, you have a twenty-year project. If your child is very competent, it is a 15-16 year project. When you choose or decide to have a child, you must be ready for at least a 15-year project. If you do not have that commitment, you should not get into this; it is not necessary because no child is knocking on your womb and saying, “Get me born.” If you are not sure whether you can provide this kind of support, you should not get into that misadventure of producing children.
Sadhguru（薩古魯）：當(dāng)今世界，孩子并不是結(jié)婚后順其自然有的。而以前則不是這樣：如果你結(jié)婚了，孩子就會一個接一個地到來。但是現(xiàn)在，生孩子不是自然隨機發(fā)生的——基本上都是計劃來的。你需要明白，一旦你有了孩子，就有了一個20年的工程。如果你的孩子能力很強，那就是15到16年的工程。當(dāng)你選擇或者決定去生一個孩子，你就得為這個至少是15年的工程做好準備。如果沒有這樣的決心，就不應(yīng)該要孩子。生孩子并不是必須的，因為不會有孩子敲著你的子宮，叫著“把我生下來！”如果你不確定自己是不是能提供撫養(yǎng)孩子的條件，就不應(yīng)該把自己置于生養(yǎng)孩子的境地。
Being a Single Mother after Divorce
離婚后做單身母親
Thinking that just one more marriage will settle the child is a very wrong idea. I am not saying it will not settle it, maybe it will. But just thinking that “The child’s biological father did not work, if I bring in another man, everything is going to be fine,” is a very dangerous idea. I would say such things work only ten percent of the time. Ninety percent of the time it creates more problems than solutions. I am not questioning why you broke your marriage, it is up to you. If you have chosen to break it, you must at least make yourself competent to play the role of being a complete parent for the child in every possible way. But because you are longing for something else, the child also longs along with you.
認為再結(jié)一次婚就會讓孩子安穩(wěn)下來是一個非常錯誤的想法。我不是說，這個辦法完全不可行，也許可以。但是僅僅想著“孩子的親生父親不行，再來一個男人，一切都會好的”就是非常危險的。依我看，只有10%的幾率能行。90%的再婚都會產(chǎn)生更多的問題，而不是帶來解決方案。我不是質(zhì)疑你為什么離婚，這由你自己決定。但是如果你已經(jīng)選擇離婚，你至少要盡可能成為孩子的全能父母。但是因為你渴望有另外一個人，你的孩子也會跟你一起渴望。
Please do not bring up your children in such helpless ways that they are always longing for someone who is not there. How much time does your eight-year-old want to spend with you? Barely any. He is busy with his own stuff, unless you made him into such a helpless creature that he has to cling to you all the time; otherwise he has his own things to do. That is the nature of life; children have their own things to do. You just have to keep one eye open to see that they do not end up doing wrong things for themselves. They do not have to do everything with you.
請不要用這樣無助的方式來撫養(yǎng)孩子，讓他們總是渴望一個不存在的人。你8歲的兒子想要跟你呆多少時間？幾乎不需要。他有自己的事情忙。除非是你把他變成了一個無助的家伙，他才會一天到晚纏著你，不然的話他有自己的事情做。那是生命的本質(zhì)。孩子們有自己的事情做。你只需要留意不要讓他們做傷到他們自己的事情。他們不需要和你一起做每件事情。
Is It Ok to Remarry after Divorce?
離婚后可以再結(jié)婚嗎？
So, if you want to remarry – that is up to you. That is a choice you have to make. Do not put it on the boy. Make the boy in such a way that he neither needs you nor his father. He is fine by himself. He just needs your support and care, nothing else. Whatever you do, there will be a consequence. If you do not get married, there will be one kind of consequence. If you remarry, there will be another kind of consequence – one you have already experienced, so you may be able to handle it better – we do not know. But both will have their consequences. And consequences need not necessarily be pleasant or unpleasant. It simply depends on how you carry them with you. If you carry the consequence joyfully, it will be a labor of love. Otherwise, it will be just labor.
那么，如果你想再結(jié)婚——這由你自己決定。這個決定必須由你自己來做，不要牽扯到你的兒子。你好好撫養(yǎng)他，讓他既不需要你，也不需要他的父親。他自己一個人就很好。他只需要你的照顧和支持，并無其他。不管你做什么，都會有一個對應(yīng)的結(jié)果。如果你不再結(jié)婚，那會有一種結(jié)果。如果你再結(jié)婚，會有另外一種結(jié)果——結(jié)婚你已經(jīng)經(jīng)歷過了，所以你可能會做得更好——我們不知道。但是兩種選擇都會有相對應(yīng)的結(jié)果。這結(jié)果并不一定是令人愉悅，或不愉悅的。它只是取決于你如何承擔(dān)。如果你心懷喜悅地承擔(dān)這個結(jié)果，就是愛的付出。若不然，就只是付出。
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