I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you talk too much. I know you think you don't, but seriously, you do.
抱歉由我來告訴你這一點，但你真的是話太多了。我知道你覺得自己并不是這樣，但說真的，你確實話太多。
Take this simple test: After your next long conversation with someone, estimate what percentage of it you spent talking. Be honest. No, you're already underestimating. How do I know? Because it's more fun to talk than to listen. Talking is like drinking a great Cabernet. Listening is like doing squats.
做個簡單的測試：下次跟別人長談之后，算一下你說話所占的百分比。不要自欺欺人。不，你已經(jīng)算少了。我怎么會知道？因為說比聽更好玩。說話像是在喝一杯上好的解百納，而聽人說話像是在做蹲起。
Add another 20% to your total.
在你所計算百分比的基礎(chǔ)上再加20%吧。
If you talked more than 70% of the time, you jabber too much. I know, because my son has Asperger's syndrome, and part of his education was learning conversational dynamics.
如果70%的時間是你在說，那你就是說得太多了。我之所以知道這一點，是因為我的兒子患有阿斯伯格綜合癥(Asperger's syndrome)，他學習的一項內(nèi)容就是交談中的互動。
People with Asperger's tend to give monologues about their obsessions, which can be problematic socially. It's hard to get a date after you've just told a girl all the subway stops in North America.
阿斯伯格綜合癥患者有自顧自講自己癖好的傾向，這在社交上會有問題。跟一個女孩兒數(shù)完北美所有的地鐵站后恐怕很難得到約會的機會。
Dr. Lynn Koegel, who is clinical director of Koegel Autism Center at the University of California, Santa Barbara, says that an optimal conversation flow has each person talking about 50% of the time. This is the Ali-Frazier of good give-and-take.
加州大學圣巴巴拉分校(University of California, Santa Barbara)凱格爾自閉癥中心(Koegel Autism Center)臨床主任林恩·凱格爾博士(Dr.Lynn Koegel)說，最理想的交談是每人說話時間各占50%左右，就像阿里和弗雷澤(Ali-Frazier)的那場拳擊比賽，半斤八兩的你來我往。
But, you say, what if your talking partner is just quiet and loves to listen? Stop it. She doesn't. Listening is like reading a corporate report. Talking is like eating a cinnamon bun.
不過你可能會問，如果對方比較安靜，就是喜歡聽怎么辦？打住，她并不喜歡聽。聽人說話就像是看公司報告，說話則像是在吃肉桂卷。
So how do you achieve this 50-50 conversational ideal? Easy: ask questions. But don't think that one 'How are you?' is going to turn you into Oprah. Actually listen to what the other person is saying, and find openings.
那么怎樣才能達到這種各占50%的理想狀態(tài)呢？很簡單：問問題。不過別以為那句“你好嗎？”能讓你變成奧普拉(Oprah)。你應當認真傾聽對方所說的話，從中發(fā)現(xiàn)合適的入口。
For instance: Your friend says, 'I think that Henry the intern is probably a psychopath.'
比如你的朋友說：“我覺得那個叫亨利(Henry)的實習生可能是個神經(jīng)病?！?/p>
Now if you're inclined to say, 'So's my mother! Yesterday, at the museum, she . . .' don't. You're talking too much. Instead, try, 'Why do you think Henry's a psychopath, and if he's cute, would he be good for my niece?'
這個時候如果你想說“我媽也是！昨天在博物館她……”，那么打住，你話太多了。不妨嘗試說“你為什么覺得亨利是神經(jīng)病呢，如果他還不錯的話，跟我侄女會不會很合適？”
Now you're doing great. Your friend will love telling you about Henry. When she's done, if you really must, you can tell the anecdote about your mom. But if you're talking about someone whom your conversation partner doesn't know, especially a mother, keep it short -- one minute tops, unless it's a truly fantastic story. And to qualify as such, at least five people need to have said to you in the past, 'Wow, that's a fantastic story.' Not 'a great story' but 'a fantastic story.'
這樣做就很好。你的朋友會很樂意跟你聊亨利。她說完的時候，如果確實必要的話，你可以跟她說說你媽媽的故事。但如果你說的是對方不了解的一個人，尤其是你媽媽，最好長話短說──最多一分鐘，除非那真的是一個很精彩的故事。要達到這個標準，需要至少五個人曾經(jīng)跟你說過“哇，真是個精彩的故事”，不是“很棒的故事”，而是“精彩的故事”。
I can hear you complaining already: 'One minute? But I need to include all the details.' No you don't. Just get to the part when, on a crowded elevator, your mom turned to you and said, 'I wish I could press the up button on your boobs.' Your job is to quickly entertain and inform, and then to ask good questions.
我聽到你已經(jīng)在抱怨了：“一分鐘？但是我要把所有的細節(jié)都講到啊?！辈灰v細節(jié)。直接講你媽媽在擁擠的電梯上轉(zhuǎn)向你說“我真希望可以在你胸部按上升鍵”。你的任務是快速娛樂別人講出故事，然后問些好問題。
Also, let your chattering breathe a little. One dastardly arrow in the big talker's quiver is to slow down in the middle of his sentence, then to blow through the period so that there's no opening for anyone to squeeze a word in. Secretly tape one of your own conversations, and if you realize you do this, stop it or never go out in public again.
還有，讓你的喋喋不休有點喘息的時間。話癆的一個卑劣手段是在一句話中間慢下來，然后在這句話結(jié)束時一口氣說下去，這樣別人就沒有機會插話。悄悄錄下自己的一段交談，如果你意識到自己是這樣，那就改掉，否則就再也不要在公眾場合露臉了。
Another essential rule is to monitor your audience. Is the guy you're talking to glancing at his cellphone, spinning his Dorito like a paper football or making his tie into a noose? If so, pull the ripcord and ask him if Heineken is his favorite beer, since you've just seen him drain five of them. Watch how relieved he is to have a turn to talk! Talking is a Miguel Cabrera home run. Listening is getting hit in the head by it.
還有一個重要原則就是觀察聽眾的反應。你說話的對象是不是在瞥自己的手機，把自己的多力多滋(Doritos)轉(zhuǎn)得像個紙片橄欖球一樣，或者拿自己的領(lǐng)帶打活扣？如果是這樣，那就打住話匣子，問他喜力(Heineken)是不是他最喜歡的啤酒，因為你剛才看見他喝了五聽喜力了。觀察輪到他講話時他有多放松！說話就像是米格爾·卡布雷拉(Miguel Cabrera)打全壘打，聽人說話就是被全壘打的球打到頭。
But, you say, this conversational paradigm sounds like work. And talking feels so good! Besides, people don't seem to be complaining about you.
不過你會說，這種聊天規(guī)范聽起來像是工作職責。說話的感覺太好了！而且人們似乎并不會抱怨你。
Oh, but they are.
噢，其實他們已經(jīng)在抱怨了。
If you don't let others participate in conversations, I promise they are hatching schemes against you. Fevered discussions are happening over where to put your place card at the dinner party -- 'Not next to Uncle Joe! He's only got six months to live!' Colleagues at nearby cubicles tell you they have to wear headphones to 'concentrate on work.' At parties people always say to you, 'Excuse me while I grab another drink.' People at parties are so thirsty!
如果你不讓其他人參與交談，我保證他們會在背后有小動作。在晚宴派對上關(guān)于把你的座位卡放在哪里就會引發(fā)熱烈的討論──“不要放在喬叔叔(Uncle Joe)旁邊！他只有六個月的時間可活了！”旁邊隔間的同事會跟你說他們要戴耳機以“集中精神工作”。在派對上，人們總是對你說：“不好意思，我要再去拿一杯喝的。”派對上的人都渴成這樣了！
So when reading this piece, did you recognize yourself? Did it perhaps make you think of someone else? If so, wouldn't it be great to send it to him? But you don't want to hurt his feelings, so how would you go about it?
所以在看這篇文章的時候，你發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的影子了嗎？或許讓你想到了別的哪個人？如果是這樣，是不是應該把這篇文章發(fā)給這個人看看？但你又不想傷害他的感情，所以你要怎么做？
Decent questions, right? Now I'll sit back and let you talk.
不錯的問題，是不是？現(xiàn)在我休息，你來說吧。
Mr. LaZebnik is a writer on 'The Simpsons.'
（本文作者羅布·拉澤布尼克(Rob LaZebnik)是《辛普森一家》(The Simpsons)的編劇。
