不久前的一個夜晚，我的丈夫JB告訴我，他因?yàn)椴幌脲e過一場電視直播的高爾夫錦標(biāo)賽，不想和我一起參加一場婚禮了。還好當(dāng)時我正在刷牙，沒有脫口而出“絕對不行”，而是冷靜地考慮這件事。
But this interaction is representative of a common issue we deal with in our partnership – balancing our individual hobbies and interests with our relationship needs. I think this is particularly salient for us as we are both in our early thirties and have had these passions and priorities in our lives for a lot longer than we have had each other!
這件事代表著處理夫妻關(guān)系中需要解決的一個重要問題——如何平衡雙方不同的興趣愛好而不至于影響婚姻質(zhì)量。對于我本人而言，這恐怕非常重要，因?yàn)槲液驼煞蚴且粚傔^三十的年輕夫婦，各自都有不同追求的我們的還要共同走過漫長的一生。
For new couples especially, finding a balance between time together and time apart, as well as how much your partner’s interests become your own, is essential for a healthy relationship. Below are four suggestions for honoring – not changing – your individual hobbies while making them a positive aspect of a partnership instead of a point of contention.
特別對于新婚夫婦，健康的夫妻關(guān)系，需要平衡雙方在一起和分開的時間，以及讓自己喜歡上多少配偶的興趣愛好。下面是四條建議——您并不需要完全就此改變自己——如果能夠做到，就能讓這些愛好成為你們雙方不同的興趣愛好為婚姻加分，而不是爭吵的導(dǎo)火索。
1. Respect: Our passions and interests make us who we are and our partners as well. When JB entered my life a year ago, so did his love (and I mean, love) of golf. His commitment to early morning tee times, less-than-ideal playing conditions, and the overall frustration one endures in this game astounds me. But it also reflects the dedicated, focused and goal-oriented side of JB that I love so much. I know he feels the same way about my enthusiasm and commitment toward blogging. He sees how happy I feel when I hit the “publish” button and he would never want to keep me from something so fulfilling.
1、尊重：我們的追求與興趣造就了我們，當(dāng)然也包括我們的伴侶。幾年前，當(dāng)我的丈夫JB走進(jìn)我的生活時，他完完全全愛上了高爾夫（沒錯，就是“愛”）。他對早晨下場擊球、容忍不理想的場地和有時表現(xiàn)出得巨大挫折等“獻(xiàn)身”表現(xiàn)讓我震驚。不過這也正反應(yīng)了JB的投入、專注和進(jìn)取心，這也是我愛他的原因。我知道他也這樣對待我對寫博客的愛好。他理解當(dāng)我點(diǎn)下博客中的“發(fā)布”按鈕時愉悅的心情，他從未讓我遠(yuǎn)離這件帶來如此強(qiáng)烈滿足感的事。
Mutual respect in all areas is integral for a healthy and satisfying relationship. And showing that you value your partner’s interests is an important display of respect. If you know your partner loves to read on Saturday afternoons for a couple of hours, try not to schedule anything during that time. Of course, respect works both ways. Sometimes, there might be something that just has to be done on that Saturday afternoon. Finding a common ground means that from time to time, the hobby gets put on the backburner for the good of the relationship. I don’t commit to “couple” plans very often that would keep JB away from the golf course on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and JB appreciates that. So when I do ask him to come with me to something at that time, he happily does. He doesn’t take advantage of the respect I show for his passion, and in return, there is no resentment when our relationship needs to be the priority.
在生活的方方面面中夫妻間的相互尊重構(gòu)成了一個健康并令人滿意的夫妻關(guān)系。表示出你對你對愛人的興趣的承認(rèn)是展現(xiàn)尊重的重要方法。如果你知道你的配偶習(xí)慣于在周六的下午進(jìn)行幾個小時的閱讀，那就不要在這段時間安排任何事情。當(dāng)然，尊重是雙方的。有時，周六的下午確實(shí)需要完成一樣重要的工作。這也就意味著，有時愛好就必須要被當(dāng)作沒那么重要的事情。我很少在我們的“夫妻”計(jì)劃中安排周六和周日晚上的活動，這樣就不會影響他的高爾夫課程，他非常感激。所以當(dāng)我需要他在那時去做一些事情的時候，他都會很高興地答應(yīng)。他并沒有從我對他的追求的尊重中占到任何便宜，作為回報，當(dāng)夫妻關(guān)系影響到個人興趣時，他也沒有怨恨。
2. Reframe: Golf has provided a built-in balance in our partnership. I look at it as not something that’s taking away time JB could be spending with me, but rather as time I always have to focus on my own interests and nurturing other relationships in my life. Of course I could and do make time for these things aside from just when JB is occupied, but sometimes it’s easy to lose focus, especially in the excitement of a new relationship.
2、改變：高爾夫?yàn)槲覀兊幕橐鎏峁┝艘环N內(nèi)在平衡。我并不把它作為一樣會讓JB更少時間陪我的一件事，相反，我總要關(guān)注我自己的興趣，并且培養(yǎng)我和他人的關(guān)系。當(dāng)然，我可以，而且確實(shí)曾經(jīng)在JB沒空時抽出時間來做這些事，但有時，特別對于處于新婚的興奮期時的我們，很容易忽視這一點(diǎn)。
Having healthy dosages of “me” time in a relationship helps make the “together” time even better. Filling our soul with what we love to do means we aren’t looking for a partner to do it for us. And when you come back together with your heart and mind full from what energizes you (it doesn’t always have to be a passion per se), you have so much more to give to your significant other. So when a partner’s hobby takes him/her away from you, fill that time doing or finding what you love to do.
在婚姻中，正常的“獨(dú)立”時間會讓“共同”時間更加和諧。用我們熱愛的事情填充自己的靈魂，意味著我們不需要尋找一個為自己做完這些事的伴侶。然后，我們可以重新以飽滿的熱情對待你重要的Ta（當(dāng)然并不需要時刻過于興奮）。所以，當(dāng)你的伴侶為了自己的愛好而暫時忽略你的時候，你也應(yīng)該考慮做些自己熱愛的事。
3. Share: While time alone is great, one of the best ways to find balance within the relationship is to actually incorporate these interests into your time together. I had never touched a golf club (outside of miniature golf) before I met JB. But we’ve made some great memories on the golf course with him tying to teach my uncoordinated self how to hit a little white ball and us both laughing as we watch that little white ball roll about 2 feet after my “swing.” And the other day, he shyly asked me to help him set up a Google Reader. It’s wonderful to share in something that is so important to the other person. It helps you understand who they are and why they love what they do so much better.
3、分享：盡管兩人分開的時間同樣珍貴，但提升夫妻關(guān)系的最佳方法之一還是讓自己愛上伴侶的愛好。在遇到JB之前，我從來沒有碰過一根高爾夫球棒（玩具除外）。但我們就一起在高爾夫球場上留下了許多十分珍貴而且美好的回憶。在一次高爾夫球課中，他嘗試的教會身體極不協(xié)調(diào)的我正確地?fù)舸蚰切┬“浊颍罱K結(jié)果是我們都為我搖晃著將白球打向離球洞2英尺的地方狂笑不止。而另一天，他害羞地請我為他注冊一個谷歌閱讀服務(wù)（Google Reader）。與人分享對他重要的東西是一種極為美好的事情。這會讓你更加了解他們，更懂得為什么他們?nèi)绱藷釔圩约赫谧龅氖隆?b class="label bg2" jquery1322702275359="33">
Despite the spelling, there is most definitely “me” in relationships. This New York Times articlediscussed various studies positing that happy marriages and partnerships are not necessarily based on putting the relationship first, but making sure your own needs for “self-expansion” — using the relationship to “accumulate knowledge and experiences” — are being met. The more self-expansion, the more satisfied partners are, the longer-lasting the relationship is. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. And learning about someone’s interests, while educating about our own, is a perfect way to have self-expansion in a relationship for reasons other than dining out.
“我”在夫妻關(guān)系中的地位也是十分重要的。最近一期的《紐約時代》中的一篇文章就提到了一些研究，他們認(rèn)為愉快良好的婚姻關(guān)系并不把關(guān)系本身放在第一位，而是確保關(guān)系中有足夠的空間讓雙方“自我膨脹”——讓兩人的關(guān)系為自己“積累知識和經(jīng)驗(yàn)”。自我膨脹越得到滿足，雙方會更加滿足，這種關(guān)系將會更加持久。當(dāng)你仔細(xì)思考后就能充分理解。繼而，懂得對方的興趣愛好的同時讓自己得到學(xué)習(xí)確實(shí)是一種比約會就餐更好的自我膨脹方式。
4. Talk: This is probably the most obvious way to address this issue, but likely the one we forget to do – or forget to do effectively. Communicate with your partner. How will these different hobbies affect your lives? What will be some parameters? What are some compromises (try not to use the word “sacrifices”, it has negative connotations) that each partner is willing to make? And most importantly, let your partner tell you why he/she loves something so much and you do the same. I know that among other things, golf is an outlet for stress for JB and he needs it to decompress. Once I understood it provided that relief for him, I could see it as more than just him playing a game.
4、溝通：這可能是解決這個問題的最明顯的方法，但也可能是我們最容易忽視——或不能有效地去做的方法。多與自己的的伴侶溝通。這些不同的興趣愛好將怎樣影響你們的生活？那些將會成為限制？我們要作出哪些妥協(xié)？（我們不要使用“犧牲”，因?yàn)檫@是個貶義詞）最重要的是，我們都要知道深愛對方的原因。據(jù)我所知，高爾夫是JB發(fā)泄壓力的方式，而他需要減壓。當(dāng)我理解了這一點(diǎn)，我會發(fā)現(xiàn)高爾夫?qū)τ谒恢皇且恢羞\(yùn)動。
With a freshly cleaned mouth, JB and I were able to discuss and effectively resolve the aforementioned wedding/golf conflict. When two people have their own passions and can share them with each other, but also maintain them as individual priorities, the relationship is a happier place for everyone. Commit to picking up the proverbial golf club and embracing your partner’s passion and letting them into yours as well.
刷完牙后，我和JB就能有效地討論并解決婚禮與高爾夫的沖突了。當(dāng)兩個有著不同追求的人懂得與對方分享自己的追求，并尊重對方，兩人的關(guān)系將會更加密切，更加美好。拿起球棒，擁抱伴侶的愛好，再讓Ta也走進(jìn)你的世界吧！
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