有多少次你發(fā)現(xiàn)自己正處于朋友抱怨他們的痛苦曾經(jīng)的談話中？過(guò)去的故事已經(jīng)是“破唱片”被人們反復(fù)提起，即使有上百上千的道歉都無(wú)法讓它從你腦海中拂去。為什么人們會(huì)對(duì)它戀戀不忘？更重要的是，我們可以做點(diǎn)什么真正甩掉這些痛苦的過(guò)往呢？
其實(shí)是這么回事：當(dāng)有人提起他的過(guò)去，那說(shuō)明現(xiàn)在有些東西他想得到或需要。過(guò)去就是他們現(xiàn)在所需的證明。過(guò)去的回憶本質(zhì)上是當(dāng)下的問(wèn)題，這就是為什么道歉永遠(yuǎn)無(wú)法讓我們甩掉過(guò)去的原因。
Regardless of what happened before, the person bringing up the past is feeling something similar now. They may feel hurt, unloved, insecure, misunderstood, or distrustful right now just like they felt before. They are trying to communicate to you what they need right now. Most likely, what they need is for you to understand how they feel in the present or what they need to change.
不論過(guò)去發(fā)生了什么，提起它的人是在目前受到了與過(guò)去相似的感覺(jué)。他們當(dāng)前或許感覺(jué)受傷，不被人愛(ài)，缺乏安全感，被誤解或是懷疑什么。這些感受必定在過(guò)去經(jīng)歷過(guò)。他們正在試圖告訴你他現(xiàn)在需要什么。他們更有可能需要你去理解他們當(dāng)前的感受，努力尋求改變的東西。
Unfortunately, many people do not communicate their needs directly. Some people may not even know what they need. Instead, many people express their needs in the form of complaints. “I need more attention” may come out as, “You never spend time with me,” which would naturally cause you to feel defensive. But defending yourself won’t work because the issue isn’t really about you.
不幸地是，許多人并不能直接地表達(dá)自己的需要。一些人甚至不知道自己需要什么。所以就出現(xiàn)某些人通過(guò)抱怨來(lái)表達(dá)自己的需求。他本意“我需要被更多地關(guān)注”，就會(huì)以“你從來(lái)不花時(shí)間陪我”這樣的抱怨表達(dá)給他人。而當(dāng)你聽(tīng)到這樣的抱怨，你會(huì)認(rèn)為他是在針對(duì)你而讓你變得更加為自己辯護(hù)。但事實(shí)上維護(hù)自己根本對(duì)他不起效果，因?yàn)檫@句話的矛頭并不是你。
If you say, “I spend time with you,” get ready for the evidence to show up. “No, you don’t. We were going to spend Sunday together but you ended up spending all day working on your car. And last week, you worked late almost every night. You know this is just like when you promised me that we were going to go on vacation three years ago but we never went because you were too busy” Here comes the dreaded past again … the one thing you can never live down.
如果你說(shuō)：“我明明花時(shí)間陪你了呀！”那么請(qǐng)做好心理準(zhǔn)備，他將用證據(jù)證明你沒(méi)有：“你根本沒(méi)有。我們本來(lái)打算一起過(guò)周末可你一整天都在修理你的車(chē)。還有上周你幾乎每晚都加班到深夜。就和三年前一樣，你答應(yīng)我去度假，但我們后來(lái)都沒(méi)有去過(guò)就因?yàn)槟闾α恕?。好吧，恐怖的過(guò)去又被提起了，根本無(wú)法被人遺忘。
But you can live it down by getting to the present. Here’s how:
但是你可以通過(guò)回到現(xiàn)實(shí)回到當(dāng)下來(lái)甩掉過(guò)去。下面就是如何做的幾條：1. Validate and acknowledge the past. Whatever the other person is upset about, own it and take responsibility even if you don’t agree. “I promised you that trip and I shouldn’t have broken my promise,” or “I worked on the car and didn’t spend time with you.” The sooner you own it, the faster you will get to the next step of solving the current problem. You have to acknowledge the other person’s hurt in order for them to feel safe that you understand what hurt them and trust that they won’t get hurt again. The sooner you own it, the sooner you can heal it.
1.承認(rèn)并肯定過(guò)去。無(wú)論別人對(duì)過(guò)去那件事多么抱怨，承認(rèn)它發(fā)生過(guò)，即使你不同意他人的說(shuō)法也要勇敢擔(dān)負(fù)起責(zé)任來(lái)。剛才的抱怨你可以回答“我確實(shí)答應(yīng)過(guò)你去度假，不應(yīng)該食言?！被颉拔掖_實(shí)一直在忙我的車(chē)沒(méi)有陪你?！蹦愠姓J(rèn)得越快，你就越容易走到解決當(dāng)前問(wèn)題的下一步。你必須肯定他人因你而受傷，讓他們感到安慰你理解他們的痛苦并讓他們相信這樣的傷害再不會(huì)發(fā)生。你越快肯定和承認(rèn)你帶給他人的傷害，你就越快治愈它。
2. Don’t defend yourself. If you defend yourself, the upset person will often get more upset because they are trying to communicate something real about how they feel through their example. If you won’t acknowledge their example, they often get more worked up trying to get their point across to you or completely shut down. Don’t make them wrong. This isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about understanding how they feel right now, so that hopefully, how they feel can change. “You feel let down and disappointed by me again.” Yes! Now you’re getting it.
2.不要為自己辯護(hù)。若你老是為自己辯護(hù)，抱怨的人會(huì)對(duì)你更加不滿，因?yàn)樗麄冋σ砸恍┚唧w經(jīng)歷獲得的感受來(lái)和你表達(dá)真實(shí)情緒。若你不能承認(rèn)他們所經(jīng)歷的，他們會(huì)變得激動(dòng)生氣，加倍地解釋給你聽(tīng)或者干脆不說(shuō)話了。千萬(wàn)不要誤解他們。這不是誰(shuí)對(duì)誰(shuí)錯(cuò)的問(wèn)題，這是他們此刻感受被理解與否的問(wèn)題。他們希望被理解以便改變那些痛苦的感受?！耙?yàn)槲夷愀械骄趩屎褪?。”沒(méi)錯(cuò)！你現(xiàn)在明白了。
3. Find out what the person needs from you. If they know what they need, they will tell you. Some people, however, may not know what they need. They may tell you there is nothing you can do now but don’t believe that. The reason they are telling you is because they do want you to do something differently now. Your job is to find out what it is. Likely, they may simply need to know, believe, and trust that you understand whatever you did before that hurt them and are committed to earnest effort in changing the behavior.
3.找到他人的需要。如果他們明白自己的所需，他們會(huì)告訴你。但有些人連自己想要什么都不太清楚。他可能會(huì)說(shuō)“你做什么都幫不了我”——千萬(wàn)不要相信這句。他這樣說(shuō)的原因正是因?yàn)樗浅ＯＭ愦丝棠茏鲂┦裁磥?lái)改變。而你的工作就是去尋找那個(gè)需要做的事情。也許他們僅僅是需要知道，相信，信賴(lài)你已經(jīng)明白你過(guò)去所做的傷害到了他們，你已經(jīng)決心要盡最大努力改變自己的所作所為。
4. Act on it. Once you know what they need, act on it as soon as possible. If, “You only care about your job,” means, “I need more time and attention from you,” act on that information as soon as you can. Make a plan with them. “Will you have dinner with me tonight?” or “Do you have any time today to do something fun together?” Acting on the information sends the message that you get it and that the other person’s needs are important to you. The more immediate you are, the better.
4.行動(dòng)。當(dāng)你了解了他們所需要的，馬上行動(dòng)。若“你只關(guān)心你的工作”意味著“我需要你更多的時(shí)間和關(guān)注”，那么馬上據(jù)此信息制定一個(gè)計(jì)劃，你可以問(wèn)他“今晚能和我一起吃飯么？”或“今天有空一起做點(diǎn)什么有趣的事么？”對(duì)他人話語(yǔ)的立即行動(dòng)就是在向他人傳達(dá)一個(gè)信息：你明白他的意思，并且重視他的需要。你行動(dòng)地越快越好。
5. Take a time-out. If you can’t find what they need now or if it feels like the person’s only agenda is to beat you to a pulp, don’t feel badly about taking a time-out if needed. Being another person’s emotional punching bag isn’t good for you and it isn’t good for them. Following reasonable rules of engagement for “fair fighting” is important to avoid damaging each other. Let them know that you will talk about this later in the day and invite them that you really want to know what they need. While setting a limit may upset them even more, interrupting old patterns is an opportunity for change so learning how to calmly set limits while still inviting solutions is a good skill to learn.
5.適時(shí)暫停談話。若你此刻發(fā)現(xiàn)不了他人的需要或者他只是想向你發(fā)泄情緒，那么適時(shí)暫停談話。成為他人的出氣筒對(duì)你對(duì)他都沒(méi)有好處。你需要遵守“公平斗爭(zhēng)”的合理規(guī)則，避免傷害彼此。適時(shí)暫停，讓他知道一會(huì)再談?wù)撨@件事比較好或者和他敞開(kāi)心扉，讓他明白你真的很想知道他們的需要。規(guī)定條條框框會(huì)讓他們不爽，打斷傳統(tǒng)模式不妨是改變關(guān)系的好方法。因此減少規(guī)則限制來(lái)解決問(wèn)題也是我們需要掌握的一個(gè)技巧。
6. Identify your needs. If you are the person who can’t seem to get over the past, do your best to identify what you need now. Every time your mind pulls you to the past, ask yourself what you need in the present. Talking with a trusted friend or writing about your feelings may help you identify your needs. The next step is learning how to get your current needs met. There are many ways to do so.
6.認(rèn)清自己的需要。如果你忘不了過(guò)去，那么努力去識(shí)別自己現(xiàn)在的需要。每當(dāng)你的思緒把你拉回過(guò)去，問(wèn)問(wèn)自己當(dāng)前需要什么。和信賴(lài)的朋友交談或者把自己的情緒寫(xiě)下來(lái)，都是認(rèn)清自己所需的好方法。下一步去學(xué)習(xí)如何實(shí)現(xiàn)自己眼下所需。這就有許多方法可以做到啦！
Bringing up the past is rarely a comfortable experience for either party, but there are reasons people do it. Most often, people do it when they are experiencing the same sort of feelings now as they did then. They do it when they are trying to communicate what they need and are looking for solutions to feel better. The sooner you can understand what is going on and do your best to meet the need in the present moment, the better. No one can do anything to change the past. We can only do our best to handle the current situation and move forward.
對(duì)于每個(gè)人來(lái)講，提起過(guò)往經(jīng)歷都不會(huì)舒服。但人們這樣做必然有其原因。一般來(lái)講，他們提起過(guò)去是因?yàn)檠巯滤麄冋?jīng)歷著和過(guò)去某事相似的感受，他們正努力告訴你他們的需要，希望找到如何解決問(wèn)題的方法以使自己感覺(jué)好點(diǎn)。因此了解他們的情況并盡你所能去滿足他們的需要，越快越好。沒(méi)有人可以改變過(guò)去，我們能做的只是盡全力去應(yīng)對(duì)現(xiàn)在，從而走向更美好的未來(lái)。
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