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故事可以幫你理解自己的人生，但當我們講的故事具有誤導性，不完整性或錯誤時，會發(fā)生什么？

事實上，我們敘述生活的方式決定了我們的生活。這是故事的危險，也是故事的力量。因為這意味著如果我們能夠改變我們的故事，那么我們就能改變我們的生活。

當感到焦慮，憤怒或脆弱時，當遇到一些困難時，我們可以作為編輯問問自己：我希望我的故事成為什么樣？然后，去書寫你的杰作。

演講者：Lori Gottlieb

心理治療師，作家，她將自己的臨床經驗與最新的研究和文化發(fā)展相結合，幫助人們過上更好的生活

TED視頻

TED演講稿

TED：如何才能不被生活困住？ 來自英語口語屋 16:25

I'm going to start by telling you about an email that I saw in my inbox recently. Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox because I'm a therapist and I write an advice column called 'Dear Therapist,' so you can imagine what's in there.

演講的開始我將會給你們分享一封我最近在收件箱看到的郵件。我的收件箱比較特別，因為我是個心理咨詢師而且我寫著一個叫《親愛的咨詢師》的建議專欄，你也可以想象收件箱里的會是什么。

I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters from strangers all over the world. And these letters range from heartbreak and loss, to spats with parents or siblings. I keep them in a folder on my laptop, and I've named it 'The Problems of Living.'

我意思是，我閱讀了來自全球各地陌生人的數(shù)千封非常私人的信件。這些信件的內容包括心碎和失去，到與父母或兄弟姐妹發(fā)生口角。我把他們保存在我電腦的一個文件夾里，命名為“活著的問題”。

So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this, and I want to bring you into my world for a second and read you one of these letters. And here's how it goes.

我收到這些郵件，很多這樣的郵件，我想把你們帶到我的世界片刻，給你們讀其中一封信件。內容大概是這樣。

'Dear Therapist, I've been married for 10 years and things were good until a couple of years ago. That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much, and now we barely have sex at all.' I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.

“親愛的咨詢師，我結婚 10 年了，直到幾年前，一切都很好。那時我丈夫沒那么想和我做愛了，現(xiàn)在我們幾乎很少有性生活?！蔽蚁嘈拍銈儧]有預料到這內容。

'Well, last night I discovered that for the past few months, he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls with a woman at his office. I googled her, and she's gorgeous. I can't believe this is happening. My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young and it broke our family apart.

“昨晚，我發(fā)現(xiàn)在過去幾個月中，他一直在悄悄地跟他辦公室的一個女人打很長的深夜電話。我搜索了她，她很漂亮。我無法相信這發(fā)生了。小時候我父親和他同事發(fā)生了外遇，這讓我們的家庭支離破碎。

Needless to say, I'm devastated. If I stay in this marriage, I'll never be able to trust my husband again. But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce, stepmom situation, etc. What should I do?'

不用說，我很傷心。如果我繼續(xù)維持這段婚姻，我永遠不會再相信我丈夫了。但我不想讓我的孩子經歷父母離異，將他們推向繼父/繼母的等等艱難境地。我應該怎么辦？”

Well, what do you think she should do? If you got this letter, you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is. Or maybe about how especially painful it is here because of her experience growing up with her father.

你們覺得她應該怎么做？如果你收到這封信，你可能會覺得不忠是多么讓人痛苦?；蛴绕淇紤]到她不忠的父親的過往，這是多么讓人痛苦的事啊。

And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman, and you might even have some, how should I put this nicely, let's just call them 'not-so-positive' feelings for her husband.

跟我一樣，你可能會對這個女士產生同情，你甚至可能有些，我應該怎么說合適些，我們稱其為對她丈夫“不是很正面”的感覺。

Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too, when I'm reading these letters in my inbox. But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story written by a specific author.

當我閱讀收件箱里的這些信件時，這些也是我腦海中的感覺。但回復這些郵件的時候，我需要非常小心，因為我知道我收到的每一封信件是一位特別的作者寫的故事。

And that another version of this story also exists. It always does. And I know this because if I've learned anything as a therapist, it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. I am. You are. And so is everyone you know. Which I probably shouldn't have told you because now you're not going to believe my TED Talk.

這個故事的另一版本也會存在。總是如此。我知道這點是因為我從事咨詢師學到了我們都不可靠地敘述著自己的生活。我就如此。你們也是。你們認識的每個人也如此。或許我不應該告訴你這些，因為現(xiàn)在你們可能不會相信我的 TED 演講了。

Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead. Most of what people tell me is absolutely true, just from their current points of view. Depending on what they emphasize or minimize, what they leave in, what they leave out, what they see and want me to see, they tell their stories in a particular way.

并非是我們有意誤導。大部分人告訴我的絕對是真的，但只是從他們的視角來看。取決于他們強調或淡化什么，留下了什么，舍棄了什么，看到了什么，以及想讓我看到什么，他們用一種特定的方式講故事。

The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully -- he said, 'To tell a story is, inescapably, to take a moral stance.' All of us walk around with stories about our lives. Why choices were made, why things went wrong, why we treated someone a certain way -- because obviously, they deserved it -- why someone treated us a certain way -- even though, obviously, we didn't. Stories are the way we make sense of our lives.

心理學家杰羅姆·布魯納對此做了精彩的描述——“為了講述一個故事，人們不可避免地要采取一種道德立場?！蔽覀兯腥硕急蛔约旱纳罟适滤鼑?。為什么做出選擇，事情為什么出錯，為什么我們這樣對待某人——因為很顯然，他們自取的——為什么人們要這樣對我——即使我完全不應受到這種待遇。故事是我們讓生活變得合理且有意義的方式。

But what happens when the stories we tell are misleading or incomplete or just wrong? Well, instead of providing clarity, these stories keep us stuck. We assume that our circumstances shape our stories. But what I found time and again in my work is that the exact opposite happens.

但當我們講述的故事有誤導性、不完整，或錯誤時，會怎樣呢？這些故事不僅沒有提供準確清晰的信息，反倒把我們困住了。我們認定我們的環(huán)境塑造了我們的故事。但在我的工作中，我一次又一次地發(fā)現(xiàn)，情況恰恰相反。

The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. That's the danger of our stories, because they can really mess us up, but it's also their power. Because what it means is that if we can change our stories, then we can change our lives. And today, I want to show you how.

我們敘述生活的方式決定了生活的未來方向。這是我們故事的危險之處，因為它們真的可以把我們搞得一團糟，但這也是它們的力量所在。因為這意味著若能改變我們講述的故事，我們即可改變生活。今天，我想向你們展示如何做到。

Now, I told you I'm a therapist, and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator. But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane, and someone asks what I do, I usually say I'm an editor.

我告訴過你們我是個咨詢師，我真的是，我現(xiàn)在不是個不可靠的敘述者。但如果，比方說，在飛機上，有人問我是做啥的，我通常說我是個編輯。

And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist, I always get some awkward response, like, 'Oh, a therapist. Are you going to psychoanalyze me?' And I'm thinking, 'A : no, and B: why would I do that here? If I said I was a gynecologist, would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam?'

我這樣說的部分原因是如果我說自己是個心理咨詢師，我總會得到一些尷尬的回應，比如，“噢，一個咨詢師。你要對我進行心理分析嗎？”我會想：”首先，不會，其次，我為什么要在這里做心里分析？如果我說我是婦科醫(yī)生，你還會問我是不是要給你做盆腔檢查嗎？”

But the main reason I say I'm an editor is because it's true. Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit, but what's interesting about my specific role as Dear Therapist is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person. I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit, using one letter each week as the example.

但我說我是個編輯的主要原因是因為這是真的。所有咨詢師的工作是幫助人們編輯，但我作為《親愛的咨詢師》這一特殊角色的有趣之處是當我編輯時，我不僅為一個人編輯，而是在嘗試教一群讀者如何編輯。通過每周使用一封信作為案例。

So I'm thinking about things like, 'What material is extraneous?' 'Is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles, are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction?' 'Do the plot points reveal a theme?' And what I've noticed is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes.

所以我會思考這些東西，例如“什么資料是無關緊要的？”“主角是在前進，還是在原地打轉？““配角是重要的，還是會分散注意？”“這個情節(jié)是否揭露了一個主題？”而且我注意到的是大部分人的故事都是圍繞兩個關鍵的主題：

The first is freedom, and the second is change. And when I edit, those are the themes that I start with. So, let's take a look at freedom for a second. Our stories about freedom go like this: we believe, in general, that we have an enormous amount of freedom.

第一個是自由，第二個是改變。當我編輯時，這些是我開始的主題。那么，讓我們看下“自由”。我們關于自由的故事往往是這樣開始的：我相信，總的來說，我們擁有很多自由。

Except when it comes to the problem at hand, in which case, suddenly, we feel like we have none. Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right? We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs, our relationships, our pasts.

除了在面臨手頭問題的時候，這種情況下，突然之間，我們感到沒有自由。我們很多故事都是關于被困住的感覺，對吧？我們感到被我們的家庭，我們的工作，我們的關系，我們的過去所囚禁。

Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation -- I know you guys all know these stories. The 'everyone's life is better than mine' story, courtesy of social media. The 'I'm an impostor' story, the 'I'm unlovable' story, the 'nothing will ever work out for me' story.

有時，我們甚至把自己禁錮在自我鞭笞的敘述中——你們都知道這些故事。那個“每個人的生活都比我的好”的故事，這得歸功于社交媒體?！拔沂敲俺湔摺钡墓适拢拔也粔蛴懭讼矚g”的故事，“我永遠不會成功”的故事。

The 'when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer, that means she hates me' story. I see you, see, I'm not the only one. The woman who wrote me that letter, she also feels trapped. If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again, but if she leaves, her children will suffer.

那個“當我說，‘嗨，Siri’，她沒有答復，意味著她討厭我”的故事。我知道你們，看，我不是唯一的一個。那個給我寫郵件的女人，她也感到被困住了。如果她與丈夫待在一起，她將永遠不會再相信他，但如果她離開，她的孩子會遭受痛苦。

Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example of what's really going on in these stories. The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out. But on the right and the left, it's open. No bars. The prisoner isn't in jail. That's most of us.

有個漫畫我認為真實呈現(xiàn)了這些故事中真正發(fā)生的情況。這個漫畫展現(xiàn)了一個不斷在搖動鐵欄的囚犯，拼命地想出去。但監(jiān)獄的左右兩邊，是開放的，沒有鐵欄。這個囚犯不在牢籠里。那就是我們大多數(shù)人。

We feel completely trapped, stuck in our emotional jail cells. But we don't walk around the bars to freedom because we know there's a catch. Freedom comes with responsibility. And if we take responsibility for our role in the story, we might just have to change.

我們感到完全被困住，困在情感的牢籠中。但我們不會繞著鐵欄走走來尋找自由，因為我們知道這里有陷阱。自由伴隨著責任。如果我們要擔負起自己在故事中的角色的責任，我們可能必須得改變。

And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories: change. Those stories sound like this: a person says, 'I want to change.' But what they really mean is, 'I want another character in the story to change.' Therapists describe this dilemma as: 'If the queen had balls, she'd be the king.' I mean --

那就是另一個在故事中常見的主題“改變”。這些故事往往聽起倆是這樣的：一個人說，“我想要改變?！钡麄冋嬲囊馑际?，“我想要故事中的另一個角色做出改變。”咨詢師把這種窘境描述為：“如果皇后有種，她就是國王?！蔽乙馑际恰?/span>

It makes no sense, right? Why wouldn't we want the protagonist, who's the hero of the story, to change? Well, it might be because change, even really positive change, involves a surprising amount of loss. Loss of the familiar.

這不就是廢話嘛，對吧？我們?yōu)槭裁床幌胱屩鹘枪适轮械挠⑿?，去改變？這可能是因為改變，即便是一個非常積極的改變，涉及無法想象的損失。失去熟悉感。

Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable, at least we know the characters and setting and plot, right down to the recurring dialogue in this story. 'You never do the laundry!' 'I did it last time!' 'Oh, yeah? When?' There's something oddly comforting about knowing exactly how the story is going to go every single time.

即便熟悉是不愉快或絕對悲慘的，至少我們知道故事的角色、背景和情節(jié)，甚至是故事中反復出現(xiàn)的對話?！澳銖膩聿幌匆路?！”“我上次洗了！”“哦，是嗎？什么時候？”明確地知道故事每次將如何發(fā)展，有一種奇怪的安慰感。

To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown. It's to stare at a blank page. And as any writer will tell you, there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page. But here's the thing. Once we edit our story, the next chapter becomes much easier to write.

譜寫新的篇章需要勇敢地探索未知。是要盯著空白頁。正如任何作家會告訴你的，沒有什么比空白頁更可怕的了。但這是問題所在。一旦我們開始編輯我們的故事，書寫下一章節(jié)就會變得容易多了。

We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves. But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself. To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself so that you can live your life, and not the story that you've been telling yourself about your life. And that's how we walk around those bars.

在我們文化中，我們探討了太多“要了解自己”。但了解自己的一部分是“生疏自己”。放下你一直告訴自己的一個故事版本，這樣你才能夠去過你的生活，而不是過你告訴自己的故事里的生活。這就是我們跨越鐵欄的方式。

So I want to go back to the letter from the woman, about the affair. She asked me what she should do. Now, I have this word taped up in my office: ultracrepidarianism. The habit of giving advice or opinions outside of one's knowledge or competence.

于是我想要回到那個女士關于外遇的郵件，她問我她應該怎么做。我把這個短句貼在了我的辦公室：沒有知識的意見是危險的（ultracrepidarianism）。在自己知識或能力范圍之外提供建議或意見的習慣。

It's a great word, right? You can use it in all different contexts, I'm sure you will be using it after this TED Talk. I use it because it reminds me that as a therapist, I can help people to sort out what they want to do, but I can't make their life choices for them. Only you can write your story, and all you need are some tools.

這是個很棒的詞，對吧？你可以在所有不同的語境中使用它，我確定你會在這個 TED 演講后使用它。我用它是因為它提醒我作為治療師，我可以幫助人們理清他們想要做的事情，但我不能為他們的人生做決定。只有你，才能書寫你的故事。然而你所需要的是一些工具。

So what I want to do is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here, as a way to show how we can all revise our stories. And I want to start by asking you to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now that might not be serving you well.

所以我想要做的是在這里一起編輯這位女士的來信，來展示我們能夠如何修正我們的故事。我想從讓你們想一個你們告訴自己的，但卻對自己毫無益處的故事開始。

It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing, it might be about a person in your life, it might even be about yourself. And I want you to look at the supporting characters. Who are the people who are helping you to uphold the wrong version of this story?

它可能有關你所處的周遭環(huán)境，可以是你生活中關于某個人的，甚至可以是關于你自己的。并且我想讓你們看看配角。是誰在幫助你支撐著這個錯誤版本的故事？

For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter told her friends what happened, they would probably offer her what's called 'idiot compassion.' Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story, we say, 'You're right, that's so unfair,'

比如，倘若那個給我寫信的女士告訴她朋友發(fā)生了什么，她們可能會給她提供所謂的“白癡同情”建議?，F(xiàn)在，帶著愚蠢的同情心，我們跟著故事走，我們說，“你說的對，這不公平，”

when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, even though we know this has happened several times before because he doesn't really put in the effort, and he probably also steals office supplies.

當一個朋友告訴我們他沒有得到他想要的升職，即便我們知道這已發(fā)生過多次，因為他并沒有真正在努力工作，并且他可能還偷辦公用品。

We say, 'Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk,' when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her, even though we know that there are certain ways she tends to behave in relationships, like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers, that tend to lead to this outcome. We see the problem, it's like, if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, it might be you.

我們說，“是的，你說的對，他是個混蛋，”當一個朋友告訴我們她男朋友和她分手了，盡管我們知道她在戀情中的一些行為，比如不停地發(fā)短信或者翻他的抽屜，容易導致這種結果。我們能看到問題，這有點像，如果你去的每個酒吧都有打架場面發(fā)生的話，那可能是你的問題。

In order to be good editors, we need to offer wise compassion, not just to our friends, but to ourselves. This is what's called -- I think the technical term might be -- 'delivering compassionate truth bombs.' And these truth bombs are compassionate, because they help us to see what we've left out of the story.

要成為好的編輯，我們需要提供明智的同情，不僅對我們的朋友，而且對我們自己。這就是所謂的——專業(yè)名詞為——“傳遞同情的真相炸彈”。這些真相炸彈是具有同情的，因為它們幫助我們看見我們在故事中遺漏的東西。

The truth is, we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair, or why their sex life changed two years ago, or what those late-night phone calls are really about. And it might be that because of her history, she's writing a singular story of betrayal, but there's probably something else that she's not willing to let me, in her letter, or maybe even herself, to see.

真相是，我們不知道這位女士的丈夫是否出軌，或者為什么他們的性生活在兩年前發(fā)生了改變，或者這些深夜電話真正是因為什么。這還可能是由于她的過去，她在寫僅僅關于背叛的故事，但可能也有其他事情，她在郵件中不想讓我或者甚至她自己，看見的。

It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test. You all know what Rorschach tests are? A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that, and asks, 'What do you see?' So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says, 'Well, I definitely don't see blood.' And the examiner says, 'Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see.' In writing, this is called point of view. What is the narrator not willing to see?

就像在做羅夏克墨漬測驗的人。你們都知道羅夏克墨漬測驗是什么吧？一個心理學家給你看一些墨跡，比如這樣的，之后問你，“你看見了什么？”于是這個人看著他的墨跡說，“好吧，我確定沒有看見血?！庇谑菣z測人員說，“好的，告訴我你絕對沒看見什么其他東西?！痹趯懽髦校@被稱為視角。敘述者不愿意看見什么？

So, I want to read you one more letter. And it goes like this.

所以，我想要給你們再讀一封信。它是這樣的。

'Dear Therapist, I need help with my wife. Lately, everything I do irritates her, even small things, like the noise I make when I chew. At breakfast, I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola so it won't be as crunchy.'

“親愛的咨詢師，我跟我妻子需要幫助。最近，我做的每件事都讓她生氣，即便很小的事情，比如我咀嚼的聲音。早餐時，我注意到她甚至偷偷地往我的麥片里加牛奶，所以它不會那么脆。”

'I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago. I was very close with him, and her father left when she was young, so she couldn't relate to what I was going through.

“兩年前在我父親去世后，我感到她對我來說變得越加重要了。我曾跟父親非常親近，她父親在她很小時就離開了她，所以她無法理解我所經歷的一切。

There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago, and who understands my grief. I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend, but I feel like she barely tolerates me now. How can I get my wife back?'

我的一個同事朋友，她父親在幾個月前也去世了，她能理解我的悲傷。我真希望我可以像跟我朋友一樣和我妻子談談，但我感覺她現(xiàn)在很難忍受我。我應該怎樣才能把妻子找回來呢？”

OK. So, what you probably picked up on is that this is the same story I read you earlier, just told from another narrator's point of view. Her story was about a husband who's cheating, his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief.

好了。所以你們可能注意到了這是我早先給你們讀的同個故事，只是從另一個敘述者的視角來講的。她的故事是一個出軌的丈夫，他的故事是一個無法理解他傷痛的妻子。

But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences, what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection. And if we can get out of the first-person narration and write the story from another character's perspective, suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic, and the plot opens up. That's the hardest step in the editing process, but it's also where change begins.

盡管他們的故事有些差別，但明顯的是，這兩個故事都是關于對相處連接的渴望。如果我們能跳出第一人稱的視角，從另一個角色的視角去書寫故事，突然之間，另一個角色就變得更讓人同情了，故事情節(jié)也就此展開。這是在編輯環(huán)節(jié)最困難的一步，但這也是改變發(fā)生的地方。

What would happen if you looked at your story and wrote it from another person's point of view? What would you see now from this wider perspective? That's why, when I see people who are depressed, I sometimes say, 'You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now,' because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way.

如果你看著你的故事并從另一個人的視角來寫同樣的故事，會怎樣？從這更廣闊的視角中你現(xiàn)在會看到什么？這也是為什么，當我看到人們沮喪時，我有時候說：“你不是此刻跟你談話的最好人選”。因為抑郁會以一種特定的方式扭曲我們的故事。

It narrows our perspectives. The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected. We create all kinds of stories, distorted through a very narrow lens that we don't even know we're looking through. And then, we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters.

它縮小了我們的視角。當我們感到孤獨、被傷害，或被拒絕時，也是一樣。我們制造的各種故事，被一個我們甚至不知道其存在的非常小的鏡頭扭曲。然后，我們就變成了自己生活的假新聞主播。

I have a confession to make. I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you. You have no idea how much time I spent debating between granola and pita chips, by the way. I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives that I've seen over the years, not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column.

我得坦白。我剛讀給你們的丈夫版本，是我寫的。順便，你們不知道我花了多長時間在麥片和皮塔餅之間掙扎選擇。我寫這個是基于我過去這些年所看到的所有敘事故事的“替代版本”。不僅在咨詢師的工作中，而且也在我的專欄中。

When it's happened that two people involved in the same situation have written to me, unbeknownst to the other, and I have two versions of the same story sitting in my inbox. That really has happened. I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is, but I do know this: she has to write it.

當陷入同一情況中的雙方在不知情的情況下，同時給我寫信我會有同個故事的兩個不同版本在我的信箱中。那真的發(fā)生過。我不知道這個女士的故事另一個版本是怎樣的，但我知道的是：她得寫出來。

Because with a courageous edit, she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me. Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind -- and maybe he is -- she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet. Because just by virtue of doing an edit, she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become.

因為一個勇敢的編輯，她會給我寫一封更細致入微的信。即便她的丈夫有任何外遇——也許他確實如此——她不需要知道情節(jié)是什么。因為僅僅通過編輯，她會擁有很多可能展開的情節(jié)。

Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck, and they're really invested in their stuckness. We call them help-rejecting complainers. I'm sure you know people like this.

有時，我看到人們真的被困住了，他們極其投入于自己的停滯不前。我們稱他們?yōu)椤熬芙^幫助的抱怨者”。你們肯定認識這樣的人。

They're the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion, they reject it with, 'Yeah, no, that will never work, because ...' 'Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that.' 'Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying.'

他們是那些當你試圖給他們建議時，他們這樣拒絕：“對的，不行，那不會有用，因為……”“是的，不行，那不可能因為我不會那樣做。”“是的，我真的想要交更多朋友，但人們實在太煩人了?！?/span>

What they're really rejecting is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness. And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach. And what I do is I say something else. I say to them, 'We're all going to die.' I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now.

他們真正拒絕的是對他們悲慘和停滯的生活進行編輯。于是，對于這些人，我通常采用不同的做法。我用的方法是說點不同的事情。我跟他們說，“我們都會死去?！蔽掖蛸€你很高興我現(xiàn)在不是你的咨詢師。

Because they look back at me the way you're looking back at me right now, with this look of utter confusion. But then I explain that there's a story that gets written about all of us, eventually. It's called an obituary. And I say that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness, we get to shape these stories while we're still alive.

因為他們回看我的樣子就跟你們現(xiàn)在看我的樣子一樣，帶著一臉的困惑。但我后來解釋說有個故事最終是寫我們所有人的。這叫做訃告。我說與其做自己不幸福生活的作者，我們要趁著還活著的時候，去塑造這些故事。

We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories, we get to choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds and shapes our realities. I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to and which ones need an edit.

在我們的故事中，我們要成為英雄，而不是受害者。我們可以選擇生活在我們腦海里那一頁，塑造我們現(xiàn)實。我告訴他們生活是在于決定我們要聽什么故事以及哪一個故事需要被編輯。

And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives than the stories we tell ourselves about them. I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives, we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize.

這值得我們努力去重新審視，因為和生活品質相比，沒有什么事情比我們講述自己的故事更重要的了。我認為，當故事有關于我們的生活時，我們應該瞄準為自己頒發(fā)普利策獎的目標。

Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers, or at least we don't believe we are. But it's a role that is so easy to slip into when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable. So the next time you're struggling with something, remember, we're all going to die.

現(xiàn)在，我們大部分人不是拒絕幫助的抱怨者，或者至少我們不相信自己是。當我們感到焦慮、憤怒，或脆弱時，我們非常容易把自己帶入這個角色。所以下次當你掙扎于某件事時，記住，我們都將要死去。

And then pull out your editing tools and ask yourself: what do I want my story to be? And then, go write your masterpiece.

然后拿起你的編輯工具去問自己：我想要自己的故事是怎樣的？然后，寫下自己的大作。

Thank you.

謝謝

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