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The Emotional Bank Account -- Secrets of Happy Families
感情儲(chǔ)蓄，家庭幸福的秘密
by Stephen R. Covey
The Emotional Bank Account is like a financial bank account in one way: you can make 'deposits' -- actions that build trust -- or you can make 'withdrawals' that decrease it. It represents the quality of the relationship you have with other people. If you have a high balance, then communication is open and free.
感情儲(chǔ)蓄和金融儲(chǔ)蓄在某個(gè)方面是相似:你既可以'存款'增加信用，也可以'取款'削弱信用。它代表著你和他人之間的關(guān)系質(zhì)量。如果你帳戶(hù)上余額很高，那么你同親友交往就可以無(wú)話不談，無(wú)拘無(wú)束。
Let me share ideas for 'deposits' you can make in your family:
下面介紹一下我對(duì)家庭感情儲(chǔ)蓄的一些觀點(diǎn)：
1. Cultivate Kindness 培養(yǎng)愛(ài)心
Many years ago I spent an evening out with two of my sons. In the middle of the movie, Sean, then four, fell asleep. His older brother Stephen, six, stayed awake, and we watched the rest of the movie together. When it was over, I carried Sean to the car. It was cold, so I took off my coat and gently put it over him. When we arrived home, I carried Sean in, then lay down next to Stephen to talk. Suddenly he asked, 'Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me, too?'
許多年以前，我和我的兩個(gè)兒子在外面過(guò)了一個(gè)愉快的夜晚。在看電影的過(guò)程中，當(dāng)時(shí)4歲的肖恩睡著了。他6歲的哥哥斯蒂芬沒(méi)有睡，和我一起看完了電影的后半部分。電影看完后，我將肖恩抱上汽車(chē)。那時(shí)天氣很涼，我把外衣脫下來(lái)輕輕地蓋在了肖恩的身上。當(dāng)我們到家時(shí)，我把肖恩抱進(jìn)房間，然后躺在斯蒂芬旁邊和他說(shuō)起話來(lái)。突然，他問(wèn)道：'爸爸，如果我很冷，你也會(huì)用你的外衣給我蓋上嗎?'
Of all the events of our night out together, the most important was a little act of kindness -- a showing of love to his brother.
那天晚上我們外出做了不少事，可留給斯蒂芬最重要的事竟然是一個(gè)極為平常的舉動(dòng)，一個(gè)對(duì)他弟弟表現(xiàn)愛(ài)心的舉動(dòng)。
In relationships, the little things are the big things. They go a long way toward building trust and unconditional love. Just think about the impact in your family of using words of courtesy such as thank you and please. Or unexpected acts of service, such as taking children shopping for something that's important to them. Or finding little ways to express love, such as leaving a note in a lunch box or briefcase.
在人際關(guān)系中，小事情就是大事情。它們對(duì)建立信任和培養(yǎng)無(wú)條件的關(guān)愛(ài)作用很大。想一想家庭中使用像'謝謝'和'勞駕'這類(lèi)禮貌用語(yǔ)的效果吧。或者是為家人做些他們意想不到的事情，比如帶孩子們?nèi)ベI(mǎi)對(duì)他們來(lái)說(shuō)很重要的東西，或者想出一些表示愛(ài)的小點(diǎn)子，比如在午飯盒里或是公文包里留個(gè)條子等。
2.Earn an 'A' : apologize 學(xué)會(huì)一個(gè)'A' : 即道歉
Perhaps nothing tests our capacity to initiate change as much as saying 'I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends. That was wrong of me.'
最能檢驗(yàn)我們打破僵局的才能，莫過(guò)于說(shuō)一句：'很抱歉，我不應(yīng)該在你的朋友面前使你難堪，我錯(cuò)了。'
'Sweetheart, I apologize for cutting you off. I was so rude. Please forgive me.'
'親愛(ài)的，我非常抱歉打斷你，我太粗魯了，請(qǐng)?jiān)彙?
Sometimes apologizing is incredibly hard, but the effort says, 'Our relationship is very important to me.' And that kind of communication builds the Emotional Bank Account.
有時(shí)道歉是難以想象的困難，但是這種努力表明：'我們之間的關(guān)系對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)很重要。' 這種交流能夠增加感情儲(chǔ)蓄。
3. Learn loyalty 學(xué)會(huì)忠誠(chéng)
Next to apologizing, one of the most important deposits a person can make is to be loyal to family members when they are not present.
在家庭成員不在場(chǎng)時(shí)，不要對(duì)他們說(shuō)三道四，這種重要的感情投資僅次于道歉。
In other words, talk about others as if they were there. That doesn't mean you're unaware of their weaknesses. It means, rather, that you focus on the positive -- and that if you do talk about weaknesses, you do it in such a way that you wouldn't be ashamed to have the person overhear it.
換言之，談?wù)撍说臅r(shí)候，就仿佛覺(jué)得他們也在場(chǎng)。這并不意味著你對(duì)他們的弱點(diǎn)一無(wú)所知。相反，這意味著你看重他們的優(yōu)點(diǎn)。即使談起他們的缺點(diǎn)時(shí)，也要讓他們聽(tīng)到之后你也無(wú)須感到內(nèi)疚。
A friend had an 18-year-old son whose habits annoyed his brothers and sisters. When the boy wasn't there, the family often talked about him. At one point, this friend decided to follow the principle of being loyal to those not present. When such conversations developed, he gently interrupted and said something good that he had observed his son doing. Soon the conversation would shift to more interesting subjects.
我有一朋友，他有個(gè)18歲的兒子，他的行為習(xí)慣惹得他的兄弟姐妹都討厭。當(dāng)那個(gè)男孩不在家時(shí)，家里人經(jīng)常談?wù)撍?。一次，我的朋友決定遵循忠于不在場(chǎng)人的原則。當(dāng)再出現(xiàn)這種議論時(shí)，他委婉地打斷話題，講敘他親眼看見(jiàn)兒子做的一些好事。很快，話題轉(zhuǎn)到更有趣的問(wèn)題.
Our friend said he soon felt that the others began to connect with this principle of family loyalty. They realized that he'd also defend them if they were not present. And in some unexplainable manner -- perhaps because he started seeing his son differently -- this change improved his Emotional Bank Account.
我的朋友說(shuō)，不久他的家人都開(kāi)始遵循家庭中互相忠誠(chéng)的原則。他們認(rèn)識(shí)到有人議論他們的缺點(diǎn)時(shí)，他也會(huì)為他們說(shuō)話。說(shuō)不清這是怎么回事，也許是由于他開(kāi)始從不同的角度來(lái)看他的那個(gè)兒子，這一變化增加了他的情感儲(chǔ)蓄。
4. Make and keep promises 做出承諾并兌現(xiàn)
Over the years people have asked if I had one simple idea that would help others cope with problem, seize opportunities and make their lives successful. I gave a four-word answer: 'make and keep promises.'
多少年來(lái)，人們一直問(wèn)我是不是有能幫他人處理問(wèn)題、抓住機(jī)遇或是生活幸福美滿(mǎn)的簡(jiǎn)單良策。我的回答是4個(gè)字：'承諾,兌現(xiàn)'
My daughter, Cynthia, recalls something that happened when she was 12 years old: Dad promised to take me with him on a business trip to San Francisco. We talked about the trip for months. After his meeting, we planned to take a cab to Chinatown and have our favorite food and see a movie, I was dying with expectation.'
我的女兒辛西婭回憶起她12歲時(shí)發(fā)生的一件事：'爸爸答應(yīng)帶我和他一起到舊金山出差。關(guān)于這次旅行，我們談?wù)摿撕脦讉€(gè)月。在他開(kāi)完了會(huì)之后，我們計(jì)劃坐出租車(chē)去唐人街，吃我們最?lèi)?ài)吃的東西，然后去看一場(chǎng)電影。我特別盼望這次旅行。'
'The day finally arrived. The hours dragged by as I waited for Dad to finish work. At about 6:30, he arrived with an influential business acquaintance who wanted to take us to dinner. My disappointment was bigger than life.'
'這一天終于來(lái)到了。我一直等了好幾個(gè)小時(shí)，直到爸爸工作結(jié)束。大約6：30分，他回來(lái)了，這時(shí)一位很有影響的、生意上的熟人想請(qǐng)我們共赴晚宴。我當(dāng)時(shí)失望極了。'
'I will never forget Dad saying to him,'I'd love to see you, but this is a special time with my girl. We've got it planned to the minute.' We did everything. That was just about the happiest time of my life. I don't think any young girl ever loved her father as much as I loved mine that night.'
'我永遠(yuǎn)也忘不了當(dāng)時(shí)爸爸對(duì)他說(shuō)的話：'見(jiàn)到你很高興，但是今天對(duì)于我的女兒來(lái)說(shuō)非同尋常，我們已經(jīng)做了詳細(xì)的安排'。那天我們玩了個(gè)痛快。那是我一生中最快樂(lè)的時(shí)光。我想，任何女兒都沒(méi)有像我在那天晚上那樣愛(ài)我的爸爸。'
I'm convinced that you would be hard pressed to come up with a deposit that has more impact in the family than making and keeping promises.
我深信比起遵守諾言來(lái)說(shuō)，很難再找到對(duì)于家庭來(lái)說(shuō)更大的感情投資的了。
5. Don't forget to forgive 記住要寬恕別人
For many, the ultimate deposit to the Emotional Bank Account comes in forgiving.
對(duì)許多人來(lái)說(shuō)，感情儲(chǔ)蓄中最重要的投入是寬恕。
When you forgive, you open the channels for trust and unconditional love. You cleanse your heart. You also remove a major obstacle that keeps others from changing -- because when you don't forgive, you put yourself between people and their conscience. Instead of spending their energy on work with their own conscience, they spend it defending and justifying their behavior to you.
寬恕別人，就打開(kāi)了信任和無(wú)條件關(guān)愛(ài)的渠道，靜化了自已的心靈。同樣，還排除了陰礙別人改正錯(cuò)誤的巨大障礙。如果你不肯原諒別人，其實(shí)是阻礙人們認(rèn)識(shí)的錯(cuò)誤，這就會(huì)使他們總在為自己的不對(duì)找出種種理由，進(jìn)行辯護(hù)，而不去想想自己是否有不對(duì)之處。
In everything you do for your family, keep in mind the miracle of the Chinese bamboo. After the seed is planted, new, taller shoots appear until the bamboo reaches full height. But the most dramatic growth is underground, where the roots grow very strong. With this support, the bamboo can reach a height of 120 feet!
在你為家人做每一件事時(shí)，請(qǐng)記住中國(guó)毛竹這個(gè)奇妙之物，它們的種子種下之后，就會(huì)長(zhǎng)出新的、比種子更高的竹筍，一直長(zhǎng)到成竹。但是最戲劇性的變化發(fā)生在地下，生長(zhǎng)在地下的竹根長(zhǎng)得很壯。有這樣的竹根支撐，竹子竟能長(zhǎng)到120英尺高！
The Emotional Bank Account can be like that. As you begin to make deposits, you may see positive results immediately. More often it will take weeks, months, even years. But results will come, and you will be astonished at the change.
感情儲(chǔ)蓄也是如此，一旦開(kāi)始投入，你即刻就可以看到良效。雖然多數(shù)情況下需要數(shù)周、數(shù)月、乃至數(shù)年的努力。但是，一定會(huì)有成果，而且你也一定會(huì)對(duì)這些成果所帶來(lái)的變化感到驚奇。
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