【TED】生命中最慘痛的時刻如何造就我們Andrew Solomon: How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are
0:11As a student of adversity, I've been struck over the years by how some people with major challengesseem to draw strength from them, and I've heard the popular wisdom that that has to do with finding meaning. And for a long time, I thought the meaning was out there, some great truth waiting to be found.
0:34But over time, I've come to feel that the truth is irrelevant. We call it finding meaning, but we might better call it forging meaning.
0:45My last book was about how families manage to deal with various kinds of challenging or unusual offspring, and one of the mothers I interviewed, who had two children with multiple severe disabilities,said to me, "People always give us these little sayings like, 'God doesn't give you any more than you can handle,' but children like ours are not preordained as a gift. They're a gift because that's what we have chosen."
1:17We make those choices all our lives. When I was in second grade, Bobby Finkel had a birthday partyand invited everyone in our class but me. My mother assumed there had been some sort of error, and she called Mrs. Finkel, who said that Bobby didn't like me and didn't want me at his party. And that day, my mom took me to the zoo and out for a hot fudge sundae. When I was in seventh grade, one of the kids on my school bus nicknamed me "Percy" as a shorthand for my demeanor, and sometimes, he and his cohort would chant that provocation the entire school bus ride, 45 minutes up, 45 minutes back, "Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!" When I was in eighth grade, our science teacher told us that all male homosexuals develop fecal incontinence because of the trauma to their anal sphincter. And I graduated high school without ever going to the cafeteria, where I would have sat with the girls and been laughed at for doing so, or sat with the boys and been laughed at for being a boy who should be sitting with the girls.
2:38I survived that childhood through a mix of avoidance and endurance. What I didn't know then, and do know now, is that avoidance and endurance can be the entryway to forging meaning. After you've forged meaning, you need to incorporate that meaning into a new identity. You need to take the traumas and make them part of who you've come to be, and you need to fold the worst events of your life into a narrative of triumph, evincing a better self in response to things that hurt.
3:17One of the other mothers I interviewed when I was working on my book had been raped as an adolescent, and had a child following that rape, which had thrown away her career plans and damaged all of her emotional relationships. But when I met her, she was 50, and I said to her, "Do you often think about the man who raped you?" And she said, "I used to think about him with anger, but now only with pity." And I thought she meant pity because he was so unevolved as to have done this terrible thing.And I said, "Pity?" And she said, "Yes, because he has a beautiful daughter and two beautiful grandchildren and he doesn't know that, and I do. So as it turns out, I'm the lucky one."
4:11Some of our struggles are things we're born to: our gender, our sexuality, our race, our disability. And some are things that happen to us: being a political prisoner, being a rape victim, being a Katrina survivor. Identity involves entering a community to draw strength from that community, and to give strength there too. It involves substituting "and" for "but" -- not "I am here but I have cancer," but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."
4:50When we're ashamed, we can't tell our stories, and stories are the foundation of identity. Forge meaning, build identity, forge meaning and build identity. That became my mantra. Forging meaning is about changing yourself. Building identity is about changing the world. All of us with stigmatized identities face this question daily: how much to accommodate society by constraining ourselves, and how much to break the limits of what constitutes a valid life? Forging meaning and building identity does not make what was wrong right. It only makes what was wrong precious.
5:41In January of this year, I went to Myanmar to interview political prisoners, and I was surprised to find them less bitter than I'd anticipated. Most of them had knowingly committed the offenses that landed them in prison, and they had walked in with their heads held high, and they walked out with their headsstill held high, many years later. Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist who had nearly died in prison and had spent many years in solitary confinement, told me she was grateful to her jailers for the time she had had to think, for the wisdom she had gained, for the chance to hone her meditation skills.She had sought meaning and made her travail into a crucial identity. But if the people I met were less bitter than I'd anticipated about being in prison, they were also less thrilled than I'd expected about the reform process going on in their country. Ma Thida said, "We Burmese are noted for our tremendous grace under pressure, but we also have grievance under glamour," she said, "and the fact that there have been these shifts and changes doesn't erase the continuing problems in our society that we learned to see so well while we were in prison."
7:07And I understood her to be saying that concessions confer only a little humanity, where full humanity is due, that crumbs are not the same as a place at the table, which is to say you can forge meaning and build identity and still be mad as hell.
7:28I've never been raped, and I've never been in anything remotely approaching a Burmese prison, but as a gay American, I've experienced prejudice and even hatred, and I've forged meaning and I've built identity, which is a move I learned from people who had experienced far worse privation than I've ever known. In my own adolescence, I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight. I enrolled myself in something called sexual surrogacy therapy, in which people I was encouraged to call doctorsprescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,who were not exactly prostitutes but who were also not exactly anything else. (Laughter) My particular favorite was a blonde woman from the Deep South who eventually admitted to me that she was really a necrophiliac and had taken this job after she got in trouble down at the morgue. (Laughter)
8:42These experiences eventually allowed me to have some happy physical relationships with women, for which I'm grateful, but I was at war with myself, and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.
8:57We don't seek the painful experiences that hew our identities, but we seek our identities in the wake of painful experiences. We cannot bear a pointless torment, but we can endure great pain if we believe that it's purposeful. Ease makes less of an impression on us than struggle. We could have been ourselves without our delights, but not without the misfortunes that drive our search for meaning."Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities," St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians, "for when I am weak, then I am strong."
9:38In 1988, I went to Moscow to interview artists of the Soviet underground, and I expected their work to be dissident and political. But the radicalism in their work actually lay in reinserting humanity into a society that was annihilating humanity itself, as, in some senses, Russian society is now doing again.One of the artists I met said to me, "We were in training to be not artists but angels."
10:08In 1991, I went back to see the artists I'd been writing about, and I was with them during the putschthat ended the Soviet Union, and they were among the chief organizers of the resistance to that putsch.And on the third day of the putsch, one of them suggested we walk up to Smolenskaya. And we went there, and we arranged ourselves in front of one of the barricades, and a little while later, a column of tanks rolled up, and the soldier on the front tank said, "We have unconditional orders to destroy this barricade. If you get out of the way, we don't need to hurt you, but if you won't move, we'll have no choice but to run you down." And the artists I was with said, "Give us just a minute. Give us just a minute to tell you why we're here." And the soldier folded his arms, and the artist launched into a Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy such as those of us who live in a Jeffersonian democracy would be hard-pressed to present. And they went on and on, and the soldier watched, and then he sat there for a full minute after they were finished and looked at us so bedraggled in the rain, and said, "What you have said is true, and we must bow to the will of the people. If you'll clear enough space for us to turn around, we'll go back the way we came." And that's what they did. Sometimes, forging meaning can give you the vocabulary you need to fight for your ultimate freedom.
11:44Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion that oppression breeds the power to oppose it, and I gradually understood that as the cornerstone of identity. It took identity to rescue me from sadness. The gay rights movement posits a world in which my aberrances are a victory. Identity politics always works on two fronts: to give pride to people who have a given condition or characteristic, and to cause the outside world to treat such people more gently and more kindly. Those are two totally separate enterprises, but progress in each sphere reverberates in the other. Identity politics can be narcissistic.People extol a difference only because it's theirs. People narrow the world and function in discrete groups without empathy for one another. But properly understood and wisely practiced, identity politics should expand our idea of what it is to be human. Identity itself should be not a smug label or a gold medal but a revolution.
12:55I would have had an easier life if I were straight, but I would not be me, and I now like being myself better than the idea of being someone else, someone who, to be honest, I have neither the option of being nor the ability fully to imagine. But if you banish the dragons, you banish the heroes, and we become attached to the heroic strain in our own lives. I've sometimes wondered whether I could have ceased to hate that part of myself without gay pride's technicolor fiesta, of which this speech is one manifestation. I used to think I would know myself to be mature when I could simply be gay without emphasis, but the self-loathing of that period left a void, and celebration needs to fill and overflow it, and even if I repay my private debt of melancholy, there's still an outer world of homophobia that it will take decades to address. Someday, being gay will be a simple fact, free of party hats and blame, but not yet.A friend of mine who thought gay pride was getting very carried away with itself, once suggested that we organize Gay Humility Week. (Laughter) (Applause) It's a great idea, but its time has not yet come.(Laughter) And neutrality, which seems to lie halfway between despair and celebration, is actually the endgame.
14:32In 29 states in the U.S., I could legally be fired or denied housing for being gay. In Russia, the anti-propaganda law has led to people being beaten in the streets. Twenty-seven African countries have passed laws against sodomy, and in Nigeria, gay people can legally be stoned to death, and lynchings have become common. In Saudi Arabia recently, two men who had been caught in carnal acts, were sentenced to 7,000 lashes each, and are now permanently disabled as a result. So who can forge meaning and build identity? Gay rights are not primarily marriage rights, and for the millions who live in unaccepting places with no resources, dignity remains elusive. I am lucky to have forged meaning and built identity, but that's still a rare privilege, and gay people deserve more collectively than the crumbs of justice.
15:39And yet, every step forward is so sweet. In 2007, six years after we met, my partner and I decided to get married. Meeting John had been the discovery of great happiness and also the elimination of great unhappiness, and sometimes, I was so occupied with the disappearance of all that pain that I forgot about the joy, which was at first the less remarkable part of it to me. Marrying was a way to declare our love as more a presence than an absence.
16:17Marriage soon led us to children, and that meant new meanings and new identities, ours and theirs. I want my children to be happy, and I love them most achingly when they are sad. As a gay father, I can teach them to own what is wrong in their lives, but I believe that if I succeed in sheltering them from adversity, I will have failed as a parent. A Buddhist scholar I know once explained to me that Westerners mistakenly think that nirvana is what arrives when all your woe is behind you and you have only bliss to look forward to. But he said that would not be nirvana, because your bliss in the presentwould always be shadowed by the joy from the past. Nirvana, he said, is what you arrive at when you have only bliss to look forward to and find in what looked like sorrows the seedlings of your joy. And I sometimes wonder whether I could have found such fulfillment in marriage and children if they'd come more readily, if I'd been straight in my youth or were young now, in either of which cases this might be easier. Perhaps I could. Perhaps all the complex imagining I've done could have been applied to other topics. But if seeking meaning matters more than finding meaning, the question is not whether I'd be happier for having been bullied, but whether assigning meaning to those experiences has made me a better father. I tend to find the ecstasy hidden in ordinary joys, because I did not expect those joys to be ordinary to me.
17:59I know many heterosexuals who have equally happy marriages and families, but gay marriage is so breathtakingly fresh, and gay families so exhilaratingly new, and I found meaning in that surprise.
18:14In October, it was my 50th birthday, and my family organized a party for me, and in the middle of it, my son said to my husband that he wanted to make a speech, and John said, "George, you can't make a speech. You're four." (Laughter) "Only Grandpa and Uncle David and I are going to make speeches tonight." But George insisted and insisted, and finally, John took him up to the microphone, and George said very loudly, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please." And everyone turned around, startled. And George said, "I'm glad it's Daddy's birthday. I'm glad we all get cake. And daddy, if you were little, I'd be your friend."
19:08And I thought — Thank you. I thought that I was indebted even to Bobby Finkel, because all those earlier experiences were what had propelled me to this moment, and I was finally unconditionally grateful for a life I'd once have done anything to change.
19:27The gay activist Harvey Milk was once asked by a younger gay man what he could do to help the movement, and Harvey Milk said, "Go out and tell someone." There's always somebody who wants to confiscate our humanity, and there are always stories that restore it. If we live out loud, we can trounce the hatred and expand everyone's lives.
19:51Forge meaning. Build identity. Forge meaning. Build identity. And then invite the world to share your joy.
20:03Thank you.
20:06(Applause)
20:08Thank you. (Applause)
20:11Thank you. (Applause)
20:15Thank you. (Applause)
0:11我從逆境中學習： 這些年來，我一次又一次 被人們?nèi)绾?從極大的挑戰(zhàn)中 得到力量而震撼， 人們說， 這和找尋生命的意義有關(guān)。 很長一段時間， 我以為生命的意義在某一處 它是等待被發(fā)掘的真理。
0:34但隨著時間的遷移，我漸漸感到 真理無關(guān)緊要 我們稱它為找尋意義， 但或許我們該更準確地稱它鑄造意義。
0:45我上一本書講的是家庭 如何應(yīng)對各種讓人傷腦筋的， 或不尋常的兒女們， 我訪問了一位有兩名 患有多重殘疾的孩童的母親， 她對我說：“人們總是給予我們 一些所謂的名言，例如 ‘上帝不會給你多過你能承載的’ 但是像我家這樣的孩子 并不是天生就注定是份禮物。 他們是一份禮物，是因為我們選擇如此?！?br>
1:17我們一生中有很多這樣的選擇。 我小學二年級的時候， 鮑比開了個生日派對 他邀請了班上的所有人，除了我 。 我媽媽認為一定是出了什么差錯， 所以給鮑比的母親打了電話，
1:35鮑比的母親說，鮑比不喜歡我， 不想讓我參加他的派對。 那天，我媽媽帶我去了動物園 并去吃了焦糖冰激凌。 我在7年級（初中一年級）時， 我乘坐的校車上有個孩子 叫我：‘波西’ （發(fā)音似女式手提包） 取笑我的言行舉止， 有時，他和他的伙伴 會在整個校車的路途上 不停的吆喝著這個挑釁， 去學校的45分鐘，回家的45分鐘， ‘波西！波西！波西！波西！’ 當我8年級（初中二年級）的時候， 我們的科學老師告訴我們，所有的男性同性戀者 都會大便失禁 因為他們的肛門肌肉受到創(chuàng)傷。 我直到高中畢業(yè)， 我都從沒去過學校的食堂， 在那兒我如果和女生坐在一起， 那么我會被笑話， 或者如果我和男生坐在一起 那么我會被笑話為一個 本應(yīng)該跟女生坐在一起的男生。
2:38我用了忍耐加上逃避， 才熬過了我的童年。 我當時不知道， 但我現(xiàn)在明白了： 逃避和忍耐 是鑄造意義的入口通道。 鑄造了意義以后， 你必須把這個意義融入 一個新的身份。 你需要把創(chuàng)傷變成 你自身的一部分， 你必須把生命中最糟糕的時間， 揉搓成勝利的故事， 用更好的自己 來還擊能傷害你的事物。
3:17我在寫我的書時， 訪問了一位母親， 她年少時被強奸， 而在那之后她懷了孩子， 這摧毀了她的事業(yè)計劃也使她的情感關(guān)系受創(chuàng)。 當我遇見她時，她已經(jīng)50歲了， 我問她， “你常想起那個強奸你的男人嗎？” 而她回答道：“我曾經(jīng)對他很氣憤， 但現(xiàn)在只有憐憫?！?我以為她所說的憐憫是因為 只有粗鄙的男人才能做出如此不堪的事情。 我問她：“憐憫？” 她回答到：“是的， 因為他有一個美麗的女兒 和兩個美麗的孫子孫女 但他并不知道，而我知道。 所以顯然，我是幸運的?！?br>
4:11有些掙扎是先天的： 我們的性別，性傾向，種族，殘疾。 有些是后天發(fā)生的事情： 成為政治犯，成為強奸的受害者， 成為颶風卡特里娜的幸存者。 身份意味著進入一個社群 從社群中得到力量， 并同時給予那社群力量。 這需要把“但是”轉(zhuǎn)換成“而且” 不是“我在這兒但是我有癌癥” 而是，“我有癌癥而且我在這里?！?br>
4:50當我們對自己感到慚愧， 我們就無法闡述自己的故事， 而故事是身份的基礎(chǔ)。 鑄造意義，建立身份， 鑄造意義并建立身份， 這變成了我的口頭禪。 鑄造意義所需要的是改變自己。 建立身份所需要的是改變世界。所有像我這樣身份沾有污點的人 每天都必須面對這個問題： 我該多大限度地通過禁錮自己 來遷就社會 我該多大限度地打破所謂 正確生活的底線？ 鑄造意義和建立身份 不會把錯的變成對的。 只會把錯誤的變得珍貴。
5:41今年一月， 我前往緬甸訪問政治囚犯， 而我驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)他們 沒有我想象中的那么懷恨。 他們大多在知情的情況下 犯下了讓他們?nèi)氇z的罪行， 而他們昂首挺胸地走入監(jiān)獄， 多年后，他們依然昂首 地走出監(jiān)獄。 馬提達博士，一位人活躍的權(quán)運動領(lǐng)袖 曾經(jīng)幾乎喪命于獄中 并在單獨禁錮中度過多年， 但她告訴我她很感謝她的囚監(jiān) 給她思考的時間， 讓她得到了許多的智慧， 和增進她的沉思的能力。 她追尋了意義， 并把她受的難變成了重要的身份。 但如果我見到的人們 沒我想象的中那么懷恨 他們在獄中的時間， 他們也沒有我想象的 對他們國家的政治改革 那么高興。 馬提達說： “我們緬甸人出了名的 在壓力下能保持優(yōu)雅， 但在華麗表象下卻有不滿，” 他說道，“我們曾經(jīng)歷 這些動蕩和改變 并不能消除我們 在獄中學會看清的 社會中 長久以來的問題?！?br>
7:07而我所理解她所說的是 相比完整的人性所需要的， 妥協(xié)換來的只是一小部分的人性 這就像面包屑并不等于飯桌前就餐的位置 而這意味著你可以在鑄造意義 和尋求身份的同時十分氣憤。
7:28我不曾被強奸， 我也不曾體驗過任何 接近緬甸監(jiān)獄的事情， 但身為一名同性戀的美國人， 我經(jīng)歷過歧視甚至仇恨， 而我也曾鑄造過意義和建造了身份， 這是我從經(jīng)歷過比我 更多困苦的人身上 學習到的法則。 我年少時， 曾經(jīng)千辛萬苦地努力成為異性戀者。 我為自己報名參加了稱為 性替代品的療法。 所謂的醫(yī)生為我和所謂替代品女人 規(guī)定了所謂的練習， 她們并不是妓女， 但除了妓女卻也什么都不是。 （笑聲） 我最喜愛的 是從南部來的一位金發(fā)女郎， 她最終向我坦白 她是個戀尸癖 在她在停尸房中出了事兒后， 才接受了這份工作。 （笑聲）
8:42這些經(jīng)歷最終讓我和一些女人 發(fā)生了愉快的肉體關(guān)系， 我對此抱有感激， 但我也和自己不斷的戰(zhàn)斗， 我在自身的心靈里劃下了了嚴重的傷。
8:57我們不尋求揉搓出我們身份 的那些慘痛經(jīng)驗 但我們在慘痛的經(jīng)驗之后， 卻會追尋我們的身份。 我們不能承擔無謂的痛苦， 但如果我們認定它是有意義的， 我們就能忍受巨大的痛苦。 安逸比起掙扎并不會對 我們留下深刻的印象。 沒有了喜悅，我們還會是我們， 但沒有了促使我們追尋意義的不幸 我們就不是現(xiàn)今的自己。 “所以，我在不幸中得到快樂，” 圣保羅在第二哥林多前書中寫道， ”當我軟弱時，我是堅強的。“
9:381988年，我前往莫斯科 采訪蘇聯(lián)的地下藝術(shù)家， 我本以為他們的作品 會是持不同意見的和政治性的。 但是他們作品中的激進其實在 把人性重新注入 在毀滅人性的社會中， 正如，在某程度上， 現(xiàn)今的俄羅斯社會再一次在做的。 我遇到的其中一名藝術(shù)家對我說， "我們正在苦煉成為天使，而不是藝術(shù)家?！?br>
10:081991年，我回到莫斯科拜訪這些 我曾寫過的藝術(shù)家, 我和他們一起度過了， 終結(jié)蘇聯(lián)的政變， 而他們是抵抗政變 的主要組織者之一。 在政變的第三天， 他們其中的一員建議我們?nèi)ニ鼓m卡雅（莫斯科地名）。 我們?nèi)チ四抢铮?然后我們列好隊站在一個街壘前， 過了一會兒， 一列坦克車開來了， 最前方的坦克車士兵說， “我們有無條件的命令 要摧毀這個街壘。 如果你們讓開， 我們不需傷害你們， 但如果你們待在這兒，我們沒辦法 只能壓過你們?！?和我在一起的藝術(shù)家們說， “給我們一分鐘， 給我們一分鐘告訴你我們?yōu)槭裁丛谶@里。” 那個士兵把雙臂交叉在胸前， 那名藝術(shù)家開始以杰斐遜式的民主頌詞， 這是我們這些生活在 杰斐遜式的民主社會的人 也苦于表達的。 他們滔滔不絕地說著， 而那名士兵看著他們， 知道他們說完了之后， 他坐在那里待了整整一分鐘， 看著我們這群落湯雞， 然后說，“你們說的是事實， 而我們必須聽從民意。 如果你們讓出足夠的位置讓我們掉頭， 我們會原路返回?！?而他們果真這樣做了。 有時，鑄造意義 能給你所需要的辭藻 來爭取你最終的自由。
11:44俄羅斯讓我意識到逆境求生的概念： 剝削會繁衍抵抗剝削的力量， 而我逐漸明白了這是 身份的基石。 身份從傷痛中拯救了我。 同性戀權(quán)利運動憧憬一個 我的畸形是一種勝利。 身份的政治總是從兩方面出發(fā)： 給有特殊情況或特征的人 應(yīng)有的自豪； 和讓外在的世界 溫柔地善待這些人。 這是兩種不同的途徑， 但不管哪個方面的進展 都會在另一方面造成回響。 身份的政治可以變成自戀的。 人們稱贊不同只是應(yīng)為那是他們自身的。 人們把世界窄化， 形成個體，對他人毫無同情。 但如果它得以正確的理解 和理智的運用， 身份的政治應(yīng)該 擴充我們對人性的概念。 身份自身 不應(yīng)是讓人自滿的標簽 或是一枚金牌 但應(yīng)是一個革命。
12:55如果我是異性戀，我的生活會輕松很多， 但我不會是我， 我現(xiàn)在比較喜歡做我自己 而不想成為另一個人，說實話， 我無法成為, 也無法想象其他人。 但如果你驅(qū)逐了惡龍， 你也同時驅(qū)逐了英雄， 而我們無法放下我們生命中英雄的那一部分。 我有時候會問自己 如果沒有同性戀權(quán)益的色彩斑斕， (這個演講就是其顯像之一）， 我能否停止憎恨自己的那一部分。 我曾經(jīng)認為當我是同性戀者， 卻不加宣揚時，我就成熟了， 但那段時間的自厭留下了一個洞， 需要靠慶祝來填滿和傾注， 就算我還清了我自身的悲傷， 外在的同性戀恐懼癥還是存在的 那需要幾十年的時間來解決。 有一天，同性戀身份會是個簡單的事實， 沒有夸耀或指責， 但現(xiàn)在不是這樣。 我有個朋友，他認為 同性戀權(quán)益忘乎所以， 他提議我們舉行 同性戀“謙卑”一周。 （笑聲）（掌聲） 這是個好主意， 但它的時間未到。 （笑聲） 而中立，這似乎 在絕望和慶祝中間的東西， 才是最終的目標。
14:32在美國有29個州， 法律準許我因為同性戀身份， 而被開除或被拒之門外。 在俄羅斯，反政治宣傳法 導致人們在大街上被毆打。 二十七個非洲國家 立法嚴禁肛交， 在尼日利亞，同性戀者 可以合法地被處于石刑,私刑也最近變得越發(fā)常見 近日在沙特阿拉伯，兩個被逮到 在發(fā)生肉體關(guān)系的男人， 每人被判了7000下的鞭刑， 而現(xiàn)在變得終身殘疾。 那誰能鑄造意義 和建立身份呢？ 同性戀權(quán)益不主要是婚姻權(quán)益， 而對數(shù)以百萬生活在不包容 和缺少資源地方的人們， 尊嚴是可望而不可及的。 我很幸運，能夠鑄造意義 和建造身份，但這是少有的特權(quán)， 同性戀者群體應(yīng)得到的 不只是一點點的正義。
15:39然而，每點進步 都是甜蜜的。 在2007年，在我和我的伴侶 相識六年后， 我們決定結(jié)婚。 遇見約翰讓我找到了 巨大的快樂， 也去除了龐大的不快樂， 有時候，我太在乎著 痛苦的消失， 而忘了喜悅， 它一開始并不是那么的起眼。 婚姻是我們宣揚我們愛的存在 而不是缺憾。
16:17婚姻很快把我們引導向孩子， 而這意味著新的意義 和新的身份，我們的和他們的。 我要我的孩子們開心，在他們傷心時，我最疼他們。 作為一名同性戀的父親，我可以教導他們 去理解他們生命中的錯誤， 但我相信如果我成功地 讓他們遠離逆境， 那我身為父親是失敗的。 我認識的一位佛教學者曾向我解釋 西方人錯誤地認為 涅磐降臨在所有疾苦消逝 只剩下 幸福在眼前的時候。 但他說這不是涅磐， 因為你現(xiàn)今的幸福 總會被以前的喜悅掩蓋。 以他來看，涅磐的降臨， 是當你眼前只有幸福， 而在看起來像是悲傷里 也能找到喜悅的種子。 有時候我在想 如果婚姻和孩子 來得更容易些， 我是否會找到這樣的滿足， 而如果我年輕時是異性戀，或我還年輕， 它們會讓事情變得簡單。 也許我會的。 也許我做過的所有的復雜事情 都可以應(yīng)用在其他的議題上。 但如果尋求意義 比找到意義更重要， 那問題不是我是不是因為被欺負 而更加快樂， 而是這些被賦予意義 的經(jīng)歷 是否讓我成為更好的父親。 我常常發(fā)現(xiàn)在普通的快樂中躲藏的狂喜， 因為我不認定這些快樂 對我來說是普通的。
17:59我認識許多異性戀者他們 有著同樣快樂的婚姻和家庭， 但同性婚姻是那么的讓人贊嘆的新鮮， 同性家庭是那么的令人振奮的新奇， 而我在這驚喜中找到了意義。
18:1410月是我的50歲生日， 我的家人為我舉辦了派對， 在進行到一半時， 我的兒子對我的先生說 他想要演講， 約翰說， “喬治，你不能演講，你才四歲。” （笑聲） “今晚只有爺爺和大衛(wèi)叔叔 和我要演講。” 但是喬治一再的堅持， 終于，約翰把他帶到了麥克風前， 然后喬治很大聲的說， “女士們先生們， 請大家注意一下?！?大家都轉(zhuǎn)過身來，驚呆了， 喬治說道， “我很高興今天是爹爹的生日。 我很高興有蛋糕吃。 還有，爹爹，如果你還是小孩， 我會做你的朋友。”
19:08而我想 （ 謝謝） 我想我甚至對鮑比 都有虧欠， 應(yīng)為所有這些先前的經(jīng)歷 把我?guī)У搅爽F(xiàn)在這一刻， 而我終于無條件地感激 這個我一度千方百計想要改變的人生 一個年輕的同性戀男人
19:28曾問過同性戀運動人士哈維·米爾克 他能為這個運動做點什么, 哈維·米爾克說， “出去告訴一個人?！?世上總是有人 想要沒收我們的人性 但也總是有恢復人性的故事。 如果我們活出精彩， 我們就能戰(zhàn)勝憎恨 拓寬眾人的生命。
19:51鑄造意義，建立身份 鑄造意義, 建立身份。 然后邀請世界 共享你的喜悅。
20:03謝謝。
20:06（掌聲）
20:08謝謝。（掌聲）
20:11謝謝。（掌聲）
20:15謝謝。（掌聲）
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